There are no coincidences with God. God never spoke to me in
a big booming voice. Every time I saw a glimpse of the future (sometimes years
ahead) and assured of a promise and imagined it come true, it was always
validated by people that I run into. Some were strangers, some people that I
talk to, some that I seek advice from. I don’t believe it’s déjà vu. I like to
think and rationalize things, that’s how I was made. Two years ago, I knew that
I would be in Louisiana. Based on what profession I was wanting and going to get
into; I knew there was no way I was going to be here. So instead of getting the
job I wanted, I got another that brought me here.
There are many instances I can think of that attest to the
fact that my life is planned by the Creator and when I sway away from it, I
experience a tremendous amount of pain. It’s not easy to process in that moment
but when I step back and learn to be still, it all starts to make sense. I’ve
cried only twice in my life for myself. One was three weeks ago and the one
before was on a pretty Fall day back in 2008. Back then, I probably wasted my
tears because I fully didn’t understand until a couple of years later as to
what I was going through and it was helping me set myself on a path that lead
me to where I am today. Don’t get me wrong, I might get teary eyed every now
and then when I notice someone that I love is having a tough time, see
someone’s kindness or genuine warmth. I’m talking about the time where there’s
a good amount of sobbing. It’s not pretty and it’s not one of my favorite
emotions. And when I cried 3 weeks ago, it was after I gave in after a good
couple of days after trying to “tough it out”. A lot of you have always seen me
with a smile and always cracking up being goofy. I do that because I’m
genuinely content and filled with joy. Not momentary happiness, but joy that
tells me that I’m doing well and that there’s nothing to worry about. So, when
I cry it’s pretty serious, at least to me.
No matter how badly I’m hurting, I never “talk about
feelings”. I grew up learning to be “a man that can handle anything”. The first time I did it, it was because I was
very worried about my salvation, I tried to seek Godly counsel from pastors and
Godly men but the way their schedules worked or things came up last moment, I
had to cancel my appointments. Finally, got a chance to talk to Chaplain Kiem
(stay blessed wherever you are) and it was almost 5 months after being
stationed in Afghanistan. I had made it a point to go to the Chapel every
Sunday there and I felt I could seek his advice because I felt he could
understand what I was going through. Not only did I feel comforted but much
relieved after I took his advice.
When you’re like me who gets prayers answered by getting
more than you ask for, hearing a “no” or not seeing it happen in my timeline or
the way I want it done throws my joy off. (I know I’m spoiled.). I’ve prayed
for people to come into my life and God sent them my way. When I didn’t want
them anymore, He made that happen as well. Makes things less messy when I approach
it that way. Like I said initially, I hear Him through people. They don’t
realize what they’re saying but it makes so much sense to me when I hear it. I
don’t care much for what people say because words are cheap, a few times of me
saying “But you said”, “But you promised” have taught me that humans are just
that – human. I judge people based on actions – not a one-time event but their
attitude or intentions are always truly transparent when you see the actions
repeated. Want to see someone’s heart? Just watch what they do. That’s a
principle I try to live by as well. Though words aren’t important, they hold
significance when they’re uttered by the right people at the right time.
The last three weeks have been very interesting. The night I
was sobbing, I had to ask God what His plan was because I was so very confused.
Why would things go awry so suddenly? Now you must understand that I’m not what
I call “Super-Duper Christian”. I don’t give up my possessions and go to
third-world countries on mission trips, don’t engage in prominent church roles
that require you to be in the front, live a life that is faultless or shout
“Praise the Lord” or “Hallelujah” on a random. If you’re one of those types,
I’m happy for you but at this stage of my life, I’m not. I’m very quiet and
every time I’ve felt God’s presence, I’ve been very quiet and at peace. Again,
that’s how I was made. Most importantly, I know I’m not super-duper Christian
because of all the times I chose poorly knowing darn well that I could choose
to do better. So that night when I prayed, it was to first forgive me of my
sins that I committed against God, to myself and others. I had to pray to
forgive me for hurting Him and His children. I had to pray for forgiveness for
not accepting His unending grace because of my struggle with having the
knowledge to do right but still choosing to sin. I had to pray to give me heart
that listens and not depend on my own “wisdom”. I had to end the prayer wanting God to talk to me and know His plan for me because that’s how I am – innately
curious and wanting to know what was in store for me.
The next morning, I woke up, went to work and was in a
situation where my grace and kindness was needed. In my line of work, you often
don’t run into people that one normally wants to associate with. I knew I was
being tested. It made sense to me then and came to that “aha moment” that all
the things I’ve been saying and promising are being put to the test. I realized
that my ministry is to serve the ones that nobody wants to get close to and all
my experiences in life were getting me ready for this moment of life. I
realized that I couldn’t hide behind my fancy job title because I realized that
I was also starting to hide from people. I don’t have any friends outside of
work that I spend time with but after that night, I’ve been making a conscious effort to make healthy relationships. Instead of just sneaking in and out of
church, I’m starting to seek places that I could potentially serve and worship.
I realized that I was messing with His plan for me by being impatient and not
letting it happen on His timeline.
I knew this time I didn’t waste tears because after that
night, I woke up being joyful. The grief was gone, the smile returned and
though I tried picking at my wound (very human of me), I wasn’t sad anymore. I
knew every time I wasn’t given something, God held back so that I learn
patience, learn to be ready to cherish the gift when I did receive it. Like my
earthly father used to do at times and openly told me that it was so that I
could learn and appreciate self-control. I know it wasn’t wasted tears because
there are a few areas in my life that need refining and the only way I pay
attention and learn at times is when God takes all the distractions away. And
every time I allowed myself to be humble, I was blessed to have my shame taken
away. I knew that every time I was broken, it was right before He set me up for
greatness.
My prayer since then has changed from “talk to me God and
show me your plan for me” to “teach me to be still and listen so that Your plan
is done.”. And that when I do hear it, I know it’s from Him and that don’t
stray from it. Three nights ago, I prayed to God to talk to me. I prayed about
a specific person – by name, because I wronged them about two years ago and
haven’t spoken since and asked God to forgive me. Within 2 minutes of ending
that prayer and laying down, that person sent me a message asking me how I have
been doing.
See, there are no coincidences with God.
