This year, as I've done over the past 20 years, I contemplated over the past year and planned for the coming year on my Day of Birth. I'm not much of a new year "resolutions" kinda guy so I tend to plan my year out during the B'day/Christmas time which are very close. It has been a rough year and I feel as if I've aged 5 years. This year started off with a lot of hope but somewhere along the line I just had more on my plate than I could chew. Some people say that I'm averse to change but I will digress from that topic for now as it's not the desired change I was seeking. I've tried things that I wouldn't normally do. Getting older (perhaps mellowing is the right word) has a way of changing perspectives.
I never take time off work during Christmas time unless I plan on going home, it's expensive and this time I couldn't afford it. But this is the first year for me to do so. Just wanted some much needed time for myself. Usually, I try to work through the holidays, stay busy and make up excuses (good ones) to not spend time with anyone kind of enough to invite me to their house. It's a good mix of wanting to be with someone I call my own/not wanting to impose myself. Weird, I know. But, as I said earlier, I decided to spend time with people who were kind enough to invite this "professional vagabond orphan". I think it's the biggest thing I've learned this year - appreciate the time with good people.
Work was literally killing me. Usually, I work off stress by being outdoors on my bicycle or running but couldn't take time to do so. During a routine physical, the doctor recommended (more like ordered) that I see what in my professional circles call, The Wizard. The Wizard in this case was a lovely woman who proceeded to ask me a ton of questions without seeming to appear inquisitive. And I with my usual knack could read her body language and shrewd questioning and realized she meant no harm. I was honest in telling her that I just needed to slow down, stop internalizing my thoughts and anger and that I just needed to sleep more. Ever since, I've stopped working on weekends and staying late if I didn't have to. I still go all out but realize that I have to pace myself if I needed to not burnout every quarter. This (usually thankless) job takes all you can give and will keep continuing to do so even when you are running empty. As one of my bosses told me, learn to take care of myself and the loved ones as the job will not hold your hand on your dying bed.
I've had tremendous success at work in the last year. I learned a whole lot about human behavior. I've interacted with people from all backgrounds, income status, positions of power or lack thereof. I've experienced anger, sadness, happiness and sometimes plain apathy. I've been content, tired and there is stuff that I haven't still processed yet. I helped provide justice to the weak and powerless while I made the powerful cry and feel helpless -it's a dirty job and it needs to be done somehow. My demeanor of being mild-mannered and congenial has helped my cause more than once in dealing with knuckleheads...perhaps they sense the knucklehead in me. Perhaps it's because I talk to everyone without coming across as being an arrogant prick. I don't have a solid answer to that. No matter how inconsequential, I tend to see good in everyone no matter how evil they appear to be. It helped my cause at times and I've more than once burned myself for allowing myself to extend that grace. I'm thankful to some good teachers that keep teaching me and investing in my professional growth.
I keep wondering if this is something I keep wanting to do for another decade or so. This field of work takes it's toll if one doesn't "guard one's heart." That proverb took a whole different meaning this year. People sacrifice their family at the altar of work - some because they don't care about their family and others thinking work is the only way they can keep the family together. To each their own. I've talked to some Old Timers and the genuine ones warn about not being consumed by work. I, for one, like learning not only from my mistakes but from everyone that teaches me knowing/unknowingly from their own. Divorce is a common endemic in this line of work. I know that it's not something I want in my life. Why people do it is not something I can speculate on. Some sincerely regret their choices and share with me that they should have known who they were getting married to and that they should have prioritized their relationships over work. Some of the people that I talk to say that it's the best thing that happened to them and are now happy with their current spouses. They don't sound all that convinced to me and I don't call them out on it. Like I said, it's not something that I want in my life. When I get married, it will be just once.
Talking about relationships, I think I started off the year with some realistic yet high expectations. I liked a girl, thought I would get to know her but it didn't pan out that way. From my previous relationships, I've learned not to let my perception of someone interfere with their actual personality and intentions. Like I said, I tend to see the good in everyone but I've burned myself in the past with that logic. It looked like the people setting me up liked me but I had no idea if the girl did - the one whose opinion matters the most. l learned from my lessons last year and I didn't want to go all out like I normally do and be open about my attraction. It was an interesting experience the first half of the year just watching how I prayed more for heart and mine. I know my heart and there was nothing more than wanting to get to know hers. But it seemed to appear that she didn't like me so I did what I normally do - respect her wishes and moved on. I'm so over society's narrative of "winning the girl". If it's meant to be, it will be. Especially if you trust in God's will. Because when you trust God to handle it there's no need to manipulate, play games or hard to get. To do this day, I don't know who she is and what she wants (I know it's definitely not me...hahahaha). But I've lived and learned from that experience. Most importantly, I kept my dignity and pride throughout the entire experience.
Anywho, after that experience, I bravely signed up on some dating websites. Without wanting to give them free marketing I just want to say that one of them Match-es people while the other helps Mingle with people of my faith. I shut down the first in the first couple of weeks due to (1)Not finding anyone closer in my zip code that I wanted to talk to. (2) It appeared that a lot of them were either jaded or didn't expect much other than just shoot the breeze. Plenty of women that showed interest but I only messaged one woman. She seemed nice but I think she wasn't interested. Anyway, I shut down that site two weeks after paying for a six month subscription. I for one didn't have a lot of time then to just keep browsing profiles everyday or with the emails with the matches that didn't really suggest anything that particularly caught my eye. So I thought Mingling was the other best option. I should have realized that when I couldn't sign up at the site as a sign and moved on but nope - if something doesn't work, I as a man can't quit until I make it work. A few calls to the website and I was all set up. And boy was in a for a surprise. I didn't realize how many women's profiles started with how much they "love the Lord". I think what I disliked the most of that site was how I could never be a ninja - always have people find out when you checked some one's profile and who visited yours. I don't know what kind of settings people had but I knew what kind of demographics of ladies I was a favorite of. Some profiles were interesting (wondered if they had professional help) while others had me thinking if they were set up by their friends. I think to this day, my favorite were the ones where you had no idea what the girl looked like. Either because ALL their pictures contained more than one girl or had those dog-nosed, bunny-eared filters. Anyway, sending smileys, winks added a a little too much to my confusion. I ended talking to someone on the phone for a week and ended up going on one ONE date with someone that was about 2 hours away and driving 4 hours the next week to tell her that it wasn't going to work out. I think people deserve kindness when being told the truth and it was my way of showing it. I might sound harsh and selfish but I don't believe in wasting my emotions. They're important and sacred to me and I'm the only one who's responsible for handling them. If I feel and know for a fact that someone is not being as honest and genuine, investing any amount of time is not going to change their attitude. Good girl but wasn't right for me. But there are 5 more days before the year ends and lightning can strike and I just might find someone to go out with on my second date for this year ! Preferably with someone that speaks my "love language" of "understanding"...that's a topic for another day.
That adventure took a whole lot longer to explain than I wanted to. I have less than an hour before my Christmas leave ends and I need to wrap this up quick. The next few days are going to be hectic catching up and going back to craziness. This year did have some good moments. I always try to learn something new and hunting was one thing always wanting to cross off the bucket list. While I haven't killed a deer yet (I have one more weekend for my rifle to draw it's first blood), I learned that it's more than just letting out a shot. Apparently, I'm out during one of the tough times in these areas to spot any deer. The only time I see them are driving to and from the woods. Learned a whole lot about tracks, trails, bedding areas, rut cycles and about back straps when I helped skin one of my friends' bucks. You should have seen my face the first time I saw wild turkey ! I have a love/hate relationships with squirrels. They keep me entertained but mess with my head as they sound similar to deer. In Louisiana, I learned that you have it made when you're invited to some one's property to hunt and if someone shows you their secret hunting spots. I will forever remember their kindness. They have no idea how much I needed to be around these good people in order to maintain my sanity.
I didn't think waking up at 3.30 a.m., to shower and be out in the woods before sunrise and just sit quietly in the woods would help me gain some perspective that I was starting to lose. My relationship with God isn't all there like I used to. I still go to church twice a week but my interactions with people there are limited. I'm like Simon the Pharisee that invited Jesus to his house but doesn't honor Him when in fact I should be more like the woman that heard that Jesus was at the house and comes in uninvited, falls at his feet and receives forgiveness. I just can't sit quietly and meditate in the my house but when I go out in the woods and enjoy the beauty and quiet of God's creation, it helps me process some of things I've been contemplating. It wasn't easy the first few times but I think I'm making progress. I have to let go of a lot of things but my selfishness holds me back. I know what I'm doing wrong but am too proud to admit I'm weak.
It sounds abrupt but it's past midnight and I have to go. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !
