Growing Pains

This year, as I've done over the past 20 years, I contemplated over the past year and planned for the coming year on my Day of Birth. I'm not much of a new year "resolutions" kinda guy so I tend to plan my year out during the B'day/Christmas time which are very close. It has been a rough year and I feel as if I've aged 5 years. This year started off with a lot of hope but somewhere along the line I just had more on my plate than I could chew. Some people say that I'm averse to change but I will digress from that topic for now as it's not the desired change I was seeking. I've tried things that I wouldn't normally do. Getting older (perhaps mellowing is the right word) has a way of changing perspectives.

I never take time off work during Christmas time unless I plan on going home, it's expensive and this time I couldn't afford it. But this is the first year for me to do so. Just wanted some much needed time for myself. Usually, I try to work through the holidays, stay busy and make up excuses (good ones) to not spend time with anyone kind of enough to invite me to their house. It's a good mix of wanting to be with someone I call my own/not wanting to impose myself. Weird, I know. But, as I said earlier, I decided to spend time with people who were kind enough to invite this "professional vagabond orphan". I think it's the biggest thing I've learned this year - appreciate the time with good people.

Work was literally killing me. Usually, I work off stress by being outdoors on my bicycle or running but couldn't take time to do so. During a routine physical, the doctor recommended (more like ordered) that I see what in my professional circles call, The Wizard. The Wizard in this case was a lovely woman who proceeded to ask me a ton of questions without seeming to appear inquisitive. And I with my usual knack could read her body language and shrewd questioning and realized she meant no harm. I was honest in telling her that I just needed to slow down, stop internalizing my thoughts and anger and that I just needed to sleep more. Ever since, I've stopped working on weekends and staying late if I didn't have to. I still go all out but realize that I have to pace myself if I needed to not burnout every quarter. This (usually thankless) job takes all you can give and will keep continuing to do so even when you are running empty. As one of my bosses told me, learn to take care of myself and the loved ones as the job will not hold your hand on your dying bed.

I've had tremendous success at work in the last year. I learned a whole lot about human behavior. I've interacted with people from all backgrounds, income status, positions of power or lack thereof. I've experienced anger, sadness, happiness and sometimes plain apathy. I've been content, tired and there is stuff that I haven't still processed yet. I helped provide justice to the weak and powerless while I made the powerful cry and feel helpless -it's a dirty job and it needs to be done somehow. My demeanor of being mild-mannered and congenial has helped my cause more than once in dealing with knuckleheads...perhaps they sense the knucklehead in me. Perhaps it's because I talk to everyone without coming across as being an arrogant prick. I don't have a solid answer to that. No matter how inconsequential, I tend to see good in everyone no matter how evil they appear to be. It helped my cause at times and I've more than once burned myself for allowing myself to extend that grace. I'm thankful to some good teachers that keep teaching me and investing in my professional growth.

I keep wondering if this is something I keep wanting to do for another decade or so. This field of work takes it's toll if one doesn't "guard one's heart." That proverb took a whole different meaning this year. People sacrifice their family at the altar of work - some because they don't care about their family and others thinking work is the only way they can keep the family together. To each their own. I've talked to some Old Timers and the genuine ones warn about not being consumed by work. I, for one, like learning not only from my mistakes but from everyone that teaches me knowing/unknowingly from their own. Divorce is a common endemic in this line of work. I know that it's not something I want in my life.  Why people do it is not something I can speculate on. Some sincerely regret their choices and share with me that they should have known who they were getting married to and that they should have prioritized their relationships over work. Some of the people that I talk to say that it's the best thing that happened to them and are now happy with their current spouses. They don't sound all that convinced to me and I don't call them out on it. Like I said, it's not something that I want in my life. When I get married, it will be just once.

Talking about relationships, I think I started off the year with some realistic yet high expectations. I liked a girl, thought I would get to know her but it didn't pan out that way. From my previous relationships, I've learned not to let my perception of someone interfere with their actual personality and intentions. Like I said, I tend to see the good in everyone but I've burned myself in the past with that logic. It looked like the people setting me up liked me but I had no idea if the girl did - the one whose opinion matters the most.  l learned from my lessons last year and I didn't want to go all out like I normally do and be open about my attraction. It was an interesting experience the first half of the year just watching how I prayed more for heart and mine. I know my heart and there was nothing more than wanting to get to know hers. But it seemed to appear that she didn't like me so I did what I normally do - respect her wishes and moved on. I'm so over society's narrative of "winning the girl". If it's meant to be, it will be. Especially if you trust in God's will. Because when you trust God to handle it there's no need to manipulate, play games or hard to get. To do this day, I don't know who she is and what she wants (I know it's definitely not me...hahahaha). But I've lived and learned from that experience. Most importantly, I kept my dignity and pride throughout the entire experience.

Anywho, after that experience, I bravely signed up on some dating websites. Without wanting to give them free marketing I just want to say that one of them Match-es people while the other helps Mingle with people of my faith. I shut down the first in the first couple of weeks due to (1)Not finding anyone closer in my zip code that I wanted to talk to. (2) It appeared that a lot of them were either jaded or didn't expect much other than just shoot the breeze. Plenty of women that showed interest but I only messaged one woman. She seemed nice but I think she wasn't interested. Anyway, I shut down that site two weeks after paying for a six month subscription. I for one didn't have a lot of time then to just keep browsing profiles everyday or with the emails with the matches  that didn't really suggest anything that particularly caught my eye. So I thought Mingling was the other best option. I should have realized that when I couldn't sign up at the site as a sign and moved on but nope - if something doesn't work, I as a man can't quit until I make it work. A few calls to the website and I was all set up. And boy was in a for a surprise. I didn't realize how many women's profiles started with how much they "love the Lord". I think what I disliked the most of that site was how I could never be a ninja - always have people find out when you checked some one's profile and who visited yours. I don't know what kind of settings people had but I knew what kind of demographics of ladies I was a favorite of. Some profiles were interesting (wondered if they had professional help) while others had me thinking if they were set up by their friends. I think to this day, my favorite were the ones where you had no idea what the girl looked like. Either because ALL their pictures contained more than one girl or had those dog-nosed, bunny-eared filters. Anyway, sending smileys, winks added a a little too much to my confusion. I ended talking to someone on the phone for a week and ended up going on one ONE date with someone that was about 2 hours away and driving 4 hours the next week to tell her that it wasn't going to work out. I think people deserve kindness when being told the truth and it was my way of showing it. I might sound harsh and selfish but I don't believe in wasting my emotions. They're important and sacred to me and I'm the only one who's responsible for handling them. If I feel and know for a fact that someone is not being as honest and genuine, investing any amount of time is not going to change their attitude. Good girl but wasn't right for me. But there are 5 more days before the year ends and lightning can strike and I just might find someone to go out with on my second date for this year ! Preferably with someone that speaks my "love language" of "understanding"...that's a topic for another day.

That adventure took a whole lot longer to explain than I wanted to. I have less than an hour before my Christmas leave ends and I need to wrap this up quick. The next few days are going to be hectic catching up and going back to craziness. This year did have some good moments. I always try to learn something new and hunting was one thing always wanting to cross off the bucket list. While I haven't killed a deer yet (I have one more weekend for my rifle to draw it's first blood), I learned that it's more than just letting out a shot. Apparently, I'm out during one of the tough times in these areas to spot any deer. The only time I see them are driving to and from the woods. Learned a whole lot about tracks, trails, bedding areas, rut cycles and about back straps when I helped skin one of my friends' bucks. You should have seen my face the first time I saw wild turkey ! I have a love/hate relationships with squirrels. They keep me entertained but mess with my head as they sound similar to deer. In Louisiana, I learned that you have it made when you're invited to some one's property to hunt and if someone shows you their secret hunting spots. I will forever remember their kindness. They have no idea how much I needed to be around these good people in order to maintain my sanity.

I didn't think waking up at 3.30 a.m., to shower and be out in the woods before sunrise and just sit quietly in the woods would help me gain some perspective that I was starting to lose. My relationship with God isn't all there like I used to. I still go to church twice a week but my interactions with people there are limited. I'm like Simon the Pharisee that invited Jesus to his house but doesn't honor Him when in fact I should be more like the woman that heard that Jesus was at the house and comes in uninvited, falls at his feet and receives forgiveness. I just can't sit quietly and meditate in the my house but when I go out in the woods and enjoy the beauty and quiet of  God's creation, it helps me process some of things I've been contemplating. It wasn't easy the first few times but I think I'm making progress. I have to let go of a lot of things but my selfishness holds me back. I know what I'm doing wrong but am too proud to admit I'm weak.

It sounds abrupt but it's past midnight and I have to go. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !

Plan of action

I only have an hour to ramble. It's my day off but I have way too much work in the coming weeks and the only way I can manage is by putting in some hours today. Over the last 30 days I've been wondering what I was doing wrong. In a flash I came to the realization that I'm so busy planning the next 5 and 10 years that I'm forgetting the present and eternity. And that in itself has helped in sorting and prioritizing everything else.

I used to be able to content and manage my "me time" over weekends but now I have to consciously take time off to regroup. The last time I took a week off, I ended up going to Texas to meet a good friend if only for a couple of hours. Though it took longer to get there and back, I was happy for the quiet time on the road which I've become incredibly grateful for.  I'm learning to enjoy the present because this past weekend I put in 18 hours on Friday and 12 on Saturday and slept through Sunday afternoon. Why? Because my job at times requires it. Stressful at times? Let's see. I've learned to understand how my body reacts when I'm stressed. Other than the superficial skin breakouts and hair loss, my dreams get absolutely crazy. Since I'm very composed when I'm awake, my altered stated of consciousness includes dreams where either someone is trying to kill me or I'm killing someone. Apparently, dreaming of death is considered a good thing as it symbolizes beginning of all things new and new start. I don't care much about dying in my dreams except for the the fact that it cuts into my sleeping hours...haha.

Dreams are funny, as a kid I would dream I was falling into an endless abyss. As a young adult they became a bit clear and I would be near my home I lived as a teenager and get into arguments with people that I knew back then. But the best dreams happened in Afghanistan where someone was either shooting or stabbing me but the dreams were set in places I knew in Georgia. The only time they bothered me was when I dreamt I lost my rifle on a patrol (never happens in my job back then as an Helicopter Armament guy) and I woke up hyperventilating and reached under my bed to be reassured after touching it and falling back asleep. The last few months I've been dreaming about being shot and stabbed (I prefer being shot as being stabbed feels like eternity) and still not getting quality sleep even when not dreaming. Like I said elsewhere, I love my sleep. Death doesn't bother me as we all have to die one day, it's eternity that I have to ensure is spent with God. If it's time to go, you go. The other day, while observing an autopsy (part of my job description), I was joking with the Medical Examiner to keep me as pretty as possible while cutting me open and closing me up. I'm so vain...

Anyway, to better manage stress and sleep better, I've cut down on coffee. Never thought I would make such a great sacrifice but now I don't drink more than two cups of coffee and never after lunch. Being a non-smoker and teetotaller helps as well since I avoid eating fatty food. The other area that I do need to make changes is my social circle (or lack thereof). I used to love being able to volunteer to take the attention away from myself. Just have to find something that's long term and meaningful. It's so sad that Facebook has become a crutch when it comes to staying in contact. I've always sucked at maintaining contacts and FB isn't helping at all. In fact, I will be getting rid of it till I find my focus again. The last election season has definitely been entertaining and informative in helping me decide who's loony and needed to be removed.

And oh, I did something completely random a few days ago. Signed up on a couple of dating sites. Haven't set up a proper profile (I don't think I will) because it's absolutely crazy to me. I have low hopes from it but you never know. For now, I'm just enjoying the "winks" and interested" notifications. It's ironic that while I'm trying to go offline and meet "real people", I'm doing the opposite. Plus, it kinda makes me feel guilty that I'm not trusting God and His providence to wait for The One.

Anyway, my hour is coming up. Have to cook for the next couple of days and clean and spend about five hours at work.

P.S: Don't forget to remember the people that paid the ultimate sacrifice while they served in the military. I've come to appreciate Memorial Day more now...makes you appreciate the present and think about eternity.

Revaluate

Every now and then it's good to slow down. It feels like I blinked and now can't differentiate the first four months of this year. Going back to work and jumping in with both feet was awesome (couldn't help it) but at the same time so burned out as well. So here I am on stand-by for the weekend and hoping it's really quiet before I start my vacation on Monday. I find it ironic that I have to plan to have fun nowadays. But, a mini-road trip and meeting people sounds like a good time.

Just short of failure, none of my plans have worked out the way I wanted to over the last 5 months. Whether it be work or life in general, I saw a whole lot happen but can't quite measure any progress. I know I've been trying to chip away at everything that's been coming my way. I thought I was going to get a bunch of personal stuff sorted out during my recovery from surgery but I didn't factor-in the stress of dealing with it all and putting things off. But I thanked my physical therapist and her assistants by getting them chocolate (I'm now their more favorite-r patient) for getting me to where I am today. Still have months to go before I can be anywhere close to where I used to be but learned not to overdo it (I reopened the scar at week three) And the mere 4 pounds I tacked on will be gone in the next three weeks since all I will be doing is cardio. 

I feel at my age I'm supposed to know a little of something about everything, whether that comes from formal education, life experiences or listening to wise people. I'm learning that I don't enjoy not knowing and feel inadequate to tackle life. I understand certain things are learned through experience but feel that I don't want to wait for things to happen in their time. For now, going back to college is in the Top 3 things to do this year along with being open to learning from life in general.

I don't think I mentioned this but it's been a little over an year since I've been on a date. The chick was adventurous, sweet and kind, but something about the way we communicated wasn't doing it for me. Talking to her leading up to one proper date and after made me want to tell her directly yet very kindly that I didn't see it go anywhere. I can't speak for the state of her heart and mind then but I hope she saw the wisdom in my honest approach afterward. My conscious is clear as I did the right thing. It'd be nice to find someone who is honest and doesn't play stupid games because why start/build a relationship on lies? Selfish people just don't magically transform into great companions just because you kept them long enough to commit. No wonder things fall apart as soon as the rose-colored lenses come off. I still don't understand how women acting indifferent generates interest because I perceive it as no interest. Like someone and want to know them? Tell them. Don't like someone? Tell them kindly without stringing them along. Perhaps it's not as simple as it sounds...no wonder I'm still single ;)

Since I've not had such a quiet day for more than a month, I thought today was perfect to see how my last year has been since leaving Korea. The itch to travel is getting stronger but so is the desire to grow roots. But I do realize that I'm more quiet, patient and open than before. Appreciate being in the South again where life isn't crazy fast and people are generally nicer. Have been making some friends from church but still reserved as ever. If I weren't on stand-by for work, I would have been on the motorcycle and be gone like I was yesterday. I miss being in Savannah where I had a big social circle and involved in various things. 

On days like today, I know better than to waste my time. Will give myself an hour of grace to cook and plan for what I want to achieve before the end of June. A lot could happen between now and then...I just hope to trust in God that it's all good when it does.

Facing (my) fears.

I don't function when I'm on opiates. I can't focus long enough to read, write or have an intelligent conversation. All these are a challenge without being under the influence and it only took me two days to finally realize that it was either the (prescribed) drugs or some pain/discomfort to finally draft this.

For a very long time I've been afraid of breaking bones. It's an irrational emotion to me as I've never broken any but have seen people do and how much they have to depend on others' generosity to maintain any semblance of normalcy. Last weekend, I've had a procedure done on my shoulder that should have been addressed a few years ago. About six years ago, I remember averaging about 18 mph when the front wheel of my bicycle caught in the railroad tracks and next thing I know is road rash, torn clothing and twisted bars. I thought the injuries were superficial (still have some scars) and got better overtime with minor medical intervention. If it weren't for lack of time, I delayed being seen on purpose due to not wanting to hinder my progress/changes in career. The "Suck it up, Buttercup" mentality can only go on for so long and when the discomfort started making my quality of sleep worse (one of the simple pleasures of my life), I decided it was time to go under the knife. I should preface by saying that I'm not a huge fan of hospitals. My mom was a nurse for a very long time and I've seen her do (still does) a lot of good by helping people in need. All my mom's close friends who I think are awesome women happen to be in the medical field and I used to visit them at work often. But it's something about the smell of disinfectant, people's state of mind, sadness that didn't make being around hospitals good memories for me.

Last week was the busiest it has been at work. Juggling various things and trying to do as much as I can so that my colleagues didn't have to take over much from me, working for a new boss who I believe is on a different temperament than I am, stressing about the outcome of my surgery and the impact it would have upon returning to work was quite an emotional roller coaster. But since I'm rocking the single life, I had to prepare by cooking in advance, doing laundry and cleaning the house until 2 a.m the day before the surgery. It probably would have helped if I wasn't fasting or that I had to be up by 6 a.m. Asked a couple of colleagues that live close to me to drive me to and from the hospital and promised them lunch (that's how I operate) to thank for their kindness. The night before the surgery, told my Brother From Another Mother that he's the Emergency Contact and where all the guns in the house are in case things go south. Though I spoke to my family and prepared them about a week in advance, I waited until being prepped for the surgery to tell Dad. The fact the my phone number spoofed from Columbia and perhaps spending a minute to explain the process didn't help any in easing the news. So much for not trying to upset family over news.

Other than being cranky for not getting more then 4 hours of sleep AND not having 3 cups of coffee before leaving the house and having blood pressure being a little higher than usual due to nerves, it was a great day. I didn't realize how much paperwork was involved in order to take care of any untoward outcome. While I was driving to the hospital, I was joking with J & A (my coworkers) that I didn't have enough time to say my final "I love yous" to the family but once I got there and went over the paperwork, it was no laughing matter. And once the nurse said I had to take ALL of my clothes off and change into a surgical gown, I knew it was the real deal. Anyway, I disrobed only to wear my clothes again as I didn't know how to work the countless velcro patches on the gown that I had undone. After giving a sheepish apology and getting instructions, I changed into the gown and got comfortable on the gurney/stretcher.

I couldn't have asked for the sweetest nurses - my main nurse was Ms. A who made sure I was comfortable, another with Filipino accent who I immediately started talking to about my SCUBA trip in the Philippines while she hooked me up with an IV, the anesthesiologist along with her assistant who made sure I understood the complications that might arise during the procedure, some other nurse with a very long last name who went all over the questions again (I think either she wanted to talk to me or was new and was practicing talking to patients) and finally the surgeon who asked if I was ready and that I had to wait a couple more hours while he worked on another patient. By this time, my arm was "dead" due to the numbing agent the anesthesiologist stuck in a nerve in my shoulder and I was enjoying the calm thanks to drugs that brought my BP down and like the nurses said "take the edge off". Some of them were prior military so the conversation was humorous in its own way. I shared with them as to how my mom was a nurse as well and that I was thankful to all of them as each one checked up on me. Later, I was woken up from my nap and wheeled into the surgery room. I last remember asking what time it was (10:50 a.m.) and given an oxygen mask and to take "five good deep" breaths. My right hand being numb, I held the mask to my face with my left hand and counted one, two, three, four, five, thinking yay for making past five, sixxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Next thing I know I'm in and out of consciousness about 7-8 times. Sometimes I would see and talk to nurses that I met before the surgery and some that were there after the procedure taking X-Rays. I remember my anesthesiologist joking that I told her all my secrets to which I said something to the effect of my swearing to secrecy per law, once asking for water due to being thirsty which was exacerbated by the intubation tube, thanking Ms. A for the said water and drinking it, the Filipino nurse (I can't recall her name) commenting how it was good to already see me consume fluids, Ms. M with the long last name checking on the dressing and that her name was now nurse Ms. A since she didn't do a banging job of taping my shoulder up. I do remember asking Ms. A if I was in and out to which she said "yes", joking with Ms. M that Ms. A did a good job of taping me up to which both Ms. A and Ms. M started giggling , Ms. A calling A&J for me to be picked up and when they showed I waved to them across the room and their instructions for me were to not let me drive for atleast 24 hours. I remember kicking them out of the room so that I could change out of the gown. I can't even recall the last time someone helped me into my socks and underwear but Ms. A made it look it was the most normal thing people do to another. I didn't tell her but it is why I fear breaking bones. Depending on someone for the most simplest of tasks that one take for granted. I hope she realized the sincerity in my groggy voice thanking her as she helped me get in the car.

Once I got in my car, I remember asking A & J to give me more water and once I got back to my house drinking even more. I thanked them both and sent them their ways as I felt good and walked around the house a bit. An hour or so later I realized I couldn't open the bottles of medication as my hand was still numb and if I didn't get to them, I would have been in a whole lot of pain while the feeling came back in my arm. But a phone call to A & J fixed that problem. But things have gotten better since. I drove myself to church on Sunday, saw my Physical Therapist on Monday and learned that I can get out my sling when I'm home and that I can do some exercises to keep mobility. Apparently, I'm a pretty good patient as I exceeded her expectations by showing a great range of motion on initial tests. But I'm yet to learn to crawl before I take off running again.

The last few days have been hazy. If I'm not sleeping, I'm listening to music, talking to family on the phone/video call explaining that I'm doing really well by myself. I think once I showed that I was back at cooking spaghetti, they're at ease knowing and believing that I'm doing well by myself. I think I attempted to read/write but can't seem to concentrate at all. I'm trying hard to keep some semblance of normalcy by waking up early and just drinking coffee and listening to music. Today was the first day of giving up on Percocet but I think the nap this afternoon was induced by some of it left in the system from the last few days.

This brings me back to the subject of facing my fears. I think the real fear is not breaking bones but in the aftermath of depending on someone. The other day I was talking to someone and mentioned that everyday I work on being humble. I pray to God everyday that I show His kindness and grace to everyone that I run into. It is very hard for me to ask for help. I don't look down on anyone asking for it. I just don't feel comfortable asking for help when there's something I can do myself. To some of my friends calling me and asking if I needed to be driven anywhere, I tell that I can manage. When people ask if they can bring me food, I tell them I stocked up on a lot of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm denying myself kindness when I say no to such simple things. So instead of it being a fear, I think it's a pride of my heart issue. Would I respond the same if I were to find a girl who's kind to me and I turn her down because I've been independent for way too long? Would I ever not want to depend on my family and let them experience the joy of taking care of me? Do I want to be the kind of guy that's always taking care of others but never asks for a favor in return?

Anyway, it's time for me to eat and take all my medication and go to bed again. I realized I can do without the narcotics through the day so it should help me enjoy the next 10 days off from work and do other things. Perhaps I will think a little more about working on my pride and letting go of my ego.

It's time to be a dime.

I'm only 30-ish days behind. And that doesn't include the past ten I hours that I've "wasted". On my day off but being on a standby in case I get called in, hitting snooze on the alarm clock starting at 4.30 a.m., finishing 4 cups of coffee, breakfast for lunch, Darius Rucker playing in the background and walking for less than a couple of hundred feet to the mailbox for exercise, I think I'm finally ready to start this year. January is almost out but I haven't officially started checking things off of my list for the year.

Back as a 16 year old, I started a crazy tradition for my birthday. If I could, I would get away for a bit to think of my previous year and plan out the next. I don't believe in New Year resolutions as I don't need January 1 to wait to get rid of my shortcomings. My birthday celebration has served me well over the years but unlike the previous years, I'm still thinking about the past and though it's been over a month, I'm overwhelmed about all the things I want to do for this year. The good thing about being born so close to Christmas is that I love how the celebration extends into the New Year. Coming back to the States and living in the South, it was nice riding weather on my bicycle and motorcycle. And if my 8 year old iPod wasn't broken, I'd still be playing Christmas music. You can judge me...like I care.

Before I get squirreled (distracted), let me share how last year was immensely amazing. The spurt of grey in my hair is a lasting effect of the stress of moving across continents, changes in career, starting all over again. But, I'm glad for it all and have zero complaints as people say I still look younger than my age.  My house was (finally) starting to look like a home (it could use a feminine touch), experimenting more in the kitchen, and finally putting on some weight because working out is now a thing of the past. Just kidding about getting fat, saw a doctor recently and learned that I've had a torn joint in the shoulder for a while that needs to be fixed. So instead of gritting through pain, I'm learning to not make it worse. And that reminds me, the marathon that I signed up for 5 months ago is next week. I plan on finishing it under 4 hours. But it's not going to happen (this year) because I overstretched my ankle and it needs some fixing too. Remind me again to listen to my body and not be a knucklehead.

Speaking of listening (hehe), I think I'm getting better since the last time I wrote. Though the introvert in me doesn't verbalize often, I'm learning that it's okay to ask (for anything) once in a while. Most importantly, I'm learning that it's okay to be a bit vulnerable too. As soon as I typed it, I froze but I think I will eventually get comfortable with it. It's easy to relive the not so pleasant experiences in the past but if I don't repeat my mistakes, I have nothing to fear.

Ever feel a lot and nothing happen at the same time? Wrapping up last year and starting off this New Year has been exciting. Seems like there's so much excitement to look for this year. One of the main goals for this birthday has been about what I wanted to fill my personal and professional life with for the next 5 years. I've always shied away from relationships when I felt I was not content professionally. It might not make sense to some but a man derives self-worth based off of what he does. Now that I've set things in motion professionally, I've been taking some time to think about what kind of woman I want to build my life with. Though she isn't here (yet) to give her input, I definitely think she's worth the wait. The other day I was reading an interesting article and one of the lines that had cracking me up was "Don't be a nickel looking for a dime.". There's so much wisdom in that idiom and I wish single folk would introspect before wanting a relationship. Since I've been doing just that over the last couple of months, I will share a few things that about what I do look for at least in the initial stages of getting to know someone. Kindness is a two-way street. I hear a lot of women wanting a kind man without showing an ounce of it themselves. Kind people speak the truth out of love, aren't afraid let their feelings show (don't play games), don't expect someone to be sacrificial without doing the same. Kind people live by the command "Do unto others..." and know the importance of being humble. Lately, my colleagues have been teasing me about what "my type" is as I've been turning down their efforts to set me up. They mean well but I'm not interested in a woman who *only* is easy on the eyes. It's all that some women has going for them and they kinda get offended when I point it out. That's another story for another day. Since Valentine's Day is round the corner, I think I should save it for then...haha.

Anyway, I'm content knowing who and where I'm at this point of time in life. So much to work on and towards to get this amazing year to get started. Now that I'm warmed up, it's time to start writing in my secret diary about all the things I want for Christmas this year.

Learning to be still.

There are no coincidences with God. God never spoke to me in a big booming voice. Every time I saw a glimpse of the future (sometimes years ahead) and assured of a promise and imagined it come true, it was always validated by people that I run into. Some were strangers, some people that I talk to, some that I seek advice from. I don’t believe it’s déjà vu. I like to think and rationalize things, that’s how I was made. Two years ago, I knew that I would be in Louisiana. Based on what profession I was wanting and going to get into; I knew there was no way I was going to be here. So instead of getting the job I wanted, I got another that brought me here.

There are many instances I can think of that attest to the fact that my life is planned by the Creator and when I sway away from it, I experience a tremendous amount of pain. It’s not easy to process in that moment but when I step back and learn to be still, it all starts to make sense. I’ve cried only twice in my life for myself. One was three weeks ago and the one before was on a pretty Fall day back in 2008. Back then, I probably wasted my tears because I fully didn’t understand until a couple of years later as to what I was going through and it was helping me set myself on a path that lead me to where I am today. Don’t get me wrong, I might get teary eyed every now and then when I notice someone that I love is having a tough time, see someone’s kindness or genuine warmth. I’m talking about the time where there’s a good amount of sobbing. It’s not pretty and it’s not one of my favorite emotions. And when I cried 3 weeks ago, it was after I gave in after a good couple of days after trying to “tough it out”. A lot of you have always seen me with a smile and always cracking up being goofy. I do that because I’m genuinely content and filled with joy. Not momentary happiness, but joy that tells me that I’m doing well and that there’s nothing to worry about. So, when I cry it’s pretty serious, at least to me.

No matter how badly I’m hurting, I never “talk about feelings”. I grew up learning to be “a man that can handle anything”.  The first time I did it, it was because I was very worried about my salvation, I tried to seek Godly counsel from pastors and Godly men but the way their schedules worked or things came up last moment, I had to cancel my appointments. Finally, got a chance to talk to Chaplain Kiem (stay blessed wherever you are) and it was almost 5 months after being stationed in Afghanistan. I had made it a point to go to the Chapel every Sunday there and I felt I could seek his advice because I felt he could understand what I was going through. Not only did I feel comforted but much relieved after I took his advice.

When you’re like me who gets prayers answered by getting more than you ask for, hearing a “no” or not seeing it happen in my timeline or the way I want it done throws my joy off. (I know I’m spoiled.). I’ve prayed for people to come into my life and God sent them my way. When I didn’t want them anymore, He made that happen as well. Makes things less messy when I approach it that way. Like I said initially, I hear Him through people. They don’t realize what they’re saying but it makes so much sense to me when I hear it. I don’t care much for what people say because words are cheap, a few times of me saying “But you said”, “But you promised” have taught me that humans are just that – human. I judge people based on actions – not a one-time event but their attitude or intentions are always truly transparent when you see the actions repeated. Want to see someone’s heart? Just watch what they do. That’s a principle I try to live by as well. Though words aren’t important, they hold significance when they’re uttered by the right people at the right time.

The last three weeks have been very interesting. The night I was sobbing, I had to ask God what His plan was because I was so very confused. Why would things go awry so suddenly? Now you must understand that I’m not what I call “Super-Duper Christian”. I don’t give up my possessions and go to third-world countries on mission trips, don’t engage in prominent church roles that require you to be in the front, live a life that is faultless or shout “Praise the Lord” or “Hallelujah” on a random. If you’re one of those types, I’m happy for you but at this stage of my life, I’m not. I’m very quiet and every time I’ve felt God’s presence, I’ve been very quiet and at peace. Again, that’s how I was made. Most importantly, I know I’m not super-duper Christian because of all the times I chose poorly knowing darn well that I could choose to do better. So that night when I prayed, it was to first forgive me of my sins that I committed against God, to myself and others. I had to pray to forgive me for hurting Him and His children. I had to pray for forgiveness for not accepting His unending grace because of my struggle with having the knowledge to do right but still choosing to sin. I had to pray to give me heart that listens and not depend on my own “wisdom”. I had to end the prayer wanting God to talk to me and know His plan for me because that’s how I am – innately curious and wanting to know what was in store for me.

The next morning, I woke up, went to work and was in a situation where my grace and kindness was needed. In my line of work, you often don’t run into people that one normally wants to associate with. I knew I was being tested. It made sense to me then and came to that “aha moment” that all the things I’ve been saying and promising are being put to the test. I realized that my ministry is to serve the ones that nobody wants to get close to and all my experiences in life were getting me ready for this moment of life. I realized that I couldn’t hide behind my fancy job title because I realized that I was also starting to hide from people. I don’t have any friends outside of work that I spend time with but after that night, I’ve been making a conscious effort to make healthy relationships. Instead of just sneaking in and out of church, I’m starting to seek places that I could potentially serve and worship. I realized that I was messing with His plan for me by being impatient and not letting it happen on His timeline.

I knew this time I didn’t waste tears because after that night, I woke up being joyful. The grief was gone, the smile returned and though I tried picking at my wound (very human of me), I wasn’t sad anymore. I knew every time I wasn’t given something, God held back so that I learn patience, learn to be ready to cherish the gift when I did receive it. Like my earthly father used to do at times and openly told me that it was so that I could learn and appreciate self-control. I know it wasn’t wasted tears because there are a few areas in my life that need refining and the only way I pay attention and learn at times is when God takes all the distractions away. And every time I allowed myself to be humble, I was blessed to have my shame taken away. I knew that every time I was broken, it was right before He set me up for greatness.

My prayer since then has changed from “talk to me God and show me your plan for me” to “teach me to be still and listen so that Your plan is done.”. And that when I do hear it, I know it’s from Him and that don’t stray from it. Three nights ago, I prayed to God to talk to me. I prayed about a specific person – by name, because I wronged them about two years ago and haven’t spoken since and asked God to forgive me. Within 2 minutes of ending that prayer and laying down, that person sent me a message asking me how I have been doing.

See, there are no coincidences with God.

Falltastic

My favorite season of the year - Fall. Or Autumn to my British educated friends. The weather finally cooled off a bit, no pretty colors of the changing leaves but I will settle for not sweating in unbearable humidity. Wish I were sitting in the warm sun in my backyard but I don't have any yard furniture. I'm only 8 hours behind me planned schedule but the hectic schedule of the last few weeks drained whatsoever energy I had left in me. I think Christopher Columbus would have made a fine young Lieutenant in the Army as he got last navigating and found himself in a new place. Silly jokes aside that upset a whole new bunch of people who cry and do nothing about life, I'm going to ATTEMPT to focus for the next couple of hours before I go to work on my day off. Yay !!!

The last month has been pretty good, finally got my motorcycle with some other stuff from Savannah. Have been out riding and I realize that I will have to crossover into Texas for me to see or do anything fun around here. I'm just on the border so once I figure out some spare time, I will just do that. Work has been extremely busy, emotionally draining yet satisfying. Learnt one of the important lessons - take care of yourself if you want to take care of others' business. I've never been in a Principal's Office before but one of my bosses just made me feel like I was just nobody. But last week he was one of the leaders that said I was doing a dang good job picking up the slack in absence of some senior guys and also showing initiative. So it evened out. This weekend has been quiet but before I go back to craziness tomorrow, I just want to go and catch up with a bunch of stuff.

So much to talk about yet I can't. Let me pick at the "emotionally draining" part. I think it's because I can be perceptive. Just watching people, reading into their thoughts which affect choices affecting them and others is an interesting subject. How one small decision affects themselves and others makes me question everything. Makes me want to question my beliefs, choices, actions and identity. It tremendously makes me want to reconsider who I want to open up to, welcome into my life and let it affect me. So far I've been taking mental notes, regret my past choices and hopefully never ever repeat them.

So far work has been an black hole. Once I'm off duty, I try to get away from it as humanly as possible. Being single definitely has it's perks when you're in this field. And I can only hope I will find someone who's understanding of it for the few years that I'm obligated to fulfill my duties. Now that we're entering a touchy topic, I should probably apologize for my tone in my previous post about my "problems with church women". Not that I've said anything wrong, just that I could have used a milder tone. Anyway, to save time, I kinda like what I read almost 6 years ago. I don't know who the author is but they absolutely make so much sense if one's desiring a Christian dating leading to an everlasting marriage perspective. It deserves it's own blog space but here's how it goes. 

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone.

To have a deep soul relationship with another,

To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But God says to a Christian,

No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone,

Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found-will you be capable of

The perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.

You will never be perfectly united with another until you are united with Me-

Exclusive of anyone else,

Exclusive of any other desires or longings.

I want you to stop planning.

Stop wishing.

And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing,

One that you cannot even imagine.

I want you to have the best.

Please allow me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things.

Keep listening and hearing the things I tell you.

You just wait

That's all.

Don't be anxious,

Don't worry.

Don't look around at the things you think you want.

Just keep looking off and away up at me,

Or you will miss what I have to show you.

And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than

any you would have ever dreamed of.

You just wait, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready.

I'm working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time.

Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me, and the life I prepared for you,

You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with

me.......The Perfect Love.

That makes so much sense because my vertical relation with God was never right when my horizontal relationships with people weren't right. And the inverse of that is even more true. But aspiring and hoping for something like that is definitely a team effort involving both parties. I was talking to someone yesterday and mentioning how "Understanding" is one of my love languages. Every time I've been hurt, it was because I felt I wasn't being understood or was unable to connect due lack of understanding. Perhaps that explains why I was ranting last time about finding relationships in church. And also why I don't respond to women who just like attention because some don't care who's giving it. I get my share of attention but I don't let it go to my head as half the time from women who are either in relationships, married or just plain crazy. (Plain crazy is another topic for discussion.).

Any way, I have to wrap this up as I have places to go and things to do to get ready for the upcoming work week. Apart from cooking and cleaning a big house that's been completely neglected, I hope I find some quiet time again towards the end of the week. My thoughts are with all my friends spread in the South East region of the States that are affected by the hurricane. The pictures and the stories they tell is pretty sad. I'm sorry I can't be there to help all the great people that I've come to love and call them my friends. And to the ones that are actively giving their time and energy, stay strong.