Facing (my) fears.

I don't function when I'm on opiates. I can't focus long enough to read, write or have an intelligent conversation. All these are a challenge without being under the influence and it only took me two days to finally realize that it was either the (prescribed) drugs or some pain/discomfort to finally draft this.

For a very long time I've been afraid of breaking bones. It's an irrational emotion to me as I've never broken any but have seen people do and how much they have to depend on others' generosity to maintain any semblance of normalcy. Last weekend, I've had a procedure done on my shoulder that should have been addressed a few years ago. About six years ago, I remember averaging about 18 mph when the front wheel of my bicycle caught in the railroad tracks and next thing I know is road rash, torn clothing and twisted bars. I thought the injuries were superficial (still have some scars) and got better overtime with minor medical intervention. If it weren't for lack of time, I delayed being seen on purpose due to not wanting to hinder my progress/changes in career. The "Suck it up, Buttercup" mentality can only go on for so long and when the discomfort started making my quality of sleep worse (one of the simple pleasures of my life), I decided it was time to go under the knife. I should preface by saying that I'm not a huge fan of hospitals. My mom was a nurse for a very long time and I've seen her do (still does) a lot of good by helping people in need. All my mom's close friends who I think are awesome women happen to be in the medical field and I used to visit them at work often. But it's something about the smell of disinfectant, people's state of mind, sadness that didn't make being around hospitals good memories for me.

Last week was the busiest it has been at work. Juggling various things and trying to do as much as I can so that my colleagues didn't have to take over much from me, working for a new boss who I believe is on a different temperament than I am, stressing about the outcome of my surgery and the impact it would have upon returning to work was quite an emotional roller coaster. But since I'm rocking the single life, I had to prepare by cooking in advance, doing laundry and cleaning the house until 2 a.m the day before the surgery. It probably would have helped if I wasn't fasting or that I had to be up by 6 a.m. Asked a couple of colleagues that live close to me to drive me to and from the hospital and promised them lunch (that's how I operate) to thank for their kindness. The night before the surgery, told my Brother From Another Mother that he's the Emergency Contact and where all the guns in the house are in case things go south. Though I spoke to my family and prepared them about a week in advance, I waited until being prepped for the surgery to tell Dad. The fact the my phone number spoofed from Columbia and perhaps spending a minute to explain the process didn't help any in easing the news. So much for not trying to upset family over news.

Other than being cranky for not getting more then 4 hours of sleep AND not having 3 cups of coffee before leaving the house and having blood pressure being a little higher than usual due to nerves, it was a great day. I didn't realize how much paperwork was involved in order to take care of any untoward outcome. While I was driving to the hospital, I was joking with J & A (my coworkers) that I didn't have enough time to say my final "I love yous" to the family but once I got there and went over the paperwork, it was no laughing matter. And once the nurse said I had to take ALL of my clothes off and change into a surgical gown, I knew it was the real deal. Anyway, I disrobed only to wear my clothes again as I didn't know how to work the countless velcro patches on the gown that I had undone. After giving a sheepish apology and getting instructions, I changed into the gown and got comfortable on the gurney/stretcher.

I couldn't have asked for the sweetest nurses - my main nurse was Ms. A who made sure I was comfortable, another with Filipino accent who I immediately started talking to about my SCUBA trip in the Philippines while she hooked me up with an IV, the anesthesiologist along with her assistant who made sure I understood the complications that might arise during the procedure, some other nurse with a very long last name who went all over the questions again (I think either she wanted to talk to me or was new and was practicing talking to patients) and finally the surgeon who asked if I was ready and that I had to wait a couple more hours while he worked on another patient. By this time, my arm was "dead" due to the numbing agent the anesthesiologist stuck in a nerve in my shoulder and I was enjoying the calm thanks to drugs that brought my BP down and like the nurses said "take the edge off". Some of them were prior military so the conversation was humorous in its own way. I shared with them as to how my mom was a nurse as well and that I was thankful to all of them as each one checked up on me. Later, I was woken up from my nap and wheeled into the surgery room. I last remember asking what time it was (10:50 a.m.) and given an oxygen mask and to take "five good deep" breaths. My right hand being numb, I held the mask to my face with my left hand and counted one, two, three, four, five, thinking yay for making past five, sixxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Next thing I know I'm in and out of consciousness about 7-8 times. Sometimes I would see and talk to nurses that I met before the surgery and some that were there after the procedure taking X-Rays. I remember my anesthesiologist joking that I told her all my secrets to which I said something to the effect of my swearing to secrecy per law, once asking for water due to being thirsty which was exacerbated by the intubation tube, thanking Ms. A for the said water and drinking it, the Filipino nurse (I can't recall her name) commenting how it was good to already see me consume fluids, Ms. M with the long last name checking on the dressing and that her name was now nurse Ms. A since she didn't do a banging job of taping my shoulder up. I do remember asking Ms. A if I was in and out to which she said "yes", joking with Ms. M that Ms. A did a good job of taping me up to which both Ms. A and Ms. M started giggling , Ms. A calling A&J for me to be picked up and when they showed I waved to them across the room and their instructions for me were to not let me drive for atleast 24 hours. I remember kicking them out of the room so that I could change out of the gown. I can't even recall the last time someone helped me into my socks and underwear but Ms. A made it look it was the most normal thing people do to another. I didn't tell her but it is why I fear breaking bones. Depending on someone for the most simplest of tasks that one take for granted. I hope she realized the sincerity in my groggy voice thanking her as she helped me get in the car.

Once I got in my car, I remember asking A & J to give me more water and once I got back to my house drinking even more. I thanked them both and sent them their ways as I felt good and walked around the house a bit. An hour or so later I realized I couldn't open the bottles of medication as my hand was still numb and if I didn't get to them, I would have been in a whole lot of pain while the feeling came back in my arm. But a phone call to A & J fixed that problem. But things have gotten better since. I drove myself to church on Sunday, saw my Physical Therapist on Monday and learned that I can get out my sling when I'm home and that I can do some exercises to keep mobility. Apparently, I'm a pretty good patient as I exceeded her expectations by showing a great range of motion on initial tests. But I'm yet to learn to crawl before I take off running again.

The last few days have been hazy. If I'm not sleeping, I'm listening to music, talking to family on the phone/video call explaining that I'm doing really well by myself. I think once I showed that I was back at cooking spaghetti, they're at ease knowing and believing that I'm doing well by myself. I think I attempted to read/write but can't seem to concentrate at all. I'm trying hard to keep some semblance of normalcy by waking up early and just drinking coffee and listening to music. Today was the first day of giving up on Percocet but I think the nap this afternoon was induced by some of it left in the system from the last few days.

This brings me back to the subject of facing my fears. I think the real fear is not breaking bones but in the aftermath of depending on someone. The other day I was talking to someone and mentioned that everyday I work on being humble. I pray to God everyday that I show His kindness and grace to everyone that I run into. It is very hard for me to ask for help. I don't look down on anyone asking for it. I just don't feel comfortable asking for help when there's something I can do myself. To some of my friends calling me and asking if I needed to be driven anywhere, I tell that I can manage. When people ask if they can bring me food, I tell them I stocked up on a lot of it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm denying myself kindness when I say no to such simple things. So instead of it being a fear, I think it's a pride of my heart issue. Would I respond the same if I were to find a girl who's kind to me and I turn her down because I've been independent for way too long? Would I ever not want to depend on my family and let them experience the joy of taking care of me? Do I want to be the kind of guy that's always taking care of others but never asks for a favor in return?

Anyway, it's time for me to eat and take all my medication and go to bed again. I realized I can do without the narcotics through the day so it should help me enjoy the next 10 days off from work and do other things. Perhaps I will think a little more about working on my pride and letting go of my ego.

It's time to be a dime.

I'm only 30-ish days behind. And that doesn't include the past ten I hours that I've "wasted". On my day off but being on a standby in case I get called in, hitting snooze on the alarm clock starting at 4.30 a.m., finishing 4 cups of coffee, breakfast for lunch, Darius Rucker playing in the background and walking for less than a couple of hundred feet to the mailbox for exercise, I think I'm finally ready to start this year. January is almost out but I haven't officially started checking things off of my list for the year.

Back as a 16 year old, I started a crazy tradition for my birthday. If I could, I would get away for a bit to think of my previous year and plan out the next. I don't believe in New Year resolutions as I don't need January 1 to wait to get rid of my shortcomings. My birthday celebration has served me well over the years but unlike the previous years, I'm still thinking about the past and though it's been over a month, I'm overwhelmed about all the things I want to do for this year. The good thing about being born so close to Christmas is that I love how the celebration extends into the New Year. Coming back to the States and living in the South, it was nice riding weather on my bicycle and motorcycle. And if my 8 year old iPod wasn't broken, I'd still be playing Christmas music. You can judge me...like I care.

Before I get squirreled (distracted), let me share how last year was immensely amazing. The spurt of grey in my hair is a lasting effect of the stress of moving across continents, changes in career, starting all over again. But, I'm glad for it all and have zero complaints as people say I still look younger than my age.  My house was (finally) starting to look like a home (it could use a feminine touch), experimenting more in the kitchen, and finally putting on some weight because working out is now a thing of the past. Just kidding about getting fat, saw a doctor recently and learned that I've had a torn joint in the shoulder for a while that needs to be fixed. So instead of gritting through pain, I'm learning to not make it worse. And that reminds me, the marathon that I signed up for 5 months ago is next week. I plan on finishing it under 4 hours. But it's not going to happen (this year) because I overstretched my ankle and it needs some fixing too. Remind me again to listen to my body and not be a knucklehead.

Speaking of listening (hehe), I think I'm getting better since the last time I wrote. Though the introvert in me doesn't verbalize often, I'm learning that it's okay to ask (for anything) once in a while. Most importantly, I'm learning that it's okay to be a bit vulnerable too. As soon as I typed it, I froze but I think I will eventually get comfortable with it. It's easy to relive the not so pleasant experiences in the past but if I don't repeat my mistakes, I have nothing to fear.

Ever feel a lot and nothing happen at the same time? Wrapping up last year and starting off this New Year has been exciting. Seems like there's so much excitement to look for this year. One of the main goals for this birthday has been about what I wanted to fill my personal and professional life with for the next 5 years. I've always shied away from relationships when I felt I was not content professionally. It might not make sense to some but a man derives self-worth based off of what he does. Now that I've set things in motion professionally, I've been taking some time to think about what kind of woman I want to build my life with. Though she isn't here (yet) to give her input, I definitely think she's worth the wait. The other day I was reading an interesting article and one of the lines that had cracking me up was "Don't be a nickel looking for a dime.". There's so much wisdom in that idiom and I wish single folk would introspect before wanting a relationship. Since I've been doing just that over the last couple of months, I will share a few things that about what I do look for at least in the initial stages of getting to know someone. Kindness is a two-way street. I hear a lot of women wanting a kind man without showing an ounce of it themselves. Kind people speak the truth out of love, aren't afraid let their feelings show (don't play games), don't expect someone to be sacrificial without doing the same. Kind people live by the command "Do unto others..." and know the importance of being humble. Lately, my colleagues have been teasing me about what "my type" is as I've been turning down their efforts to set me up. They mean well but I'm not interested in a woman who *only* is easy on the eyes. It's all that some women has going for them and they kinda get offended when I point it out. That's another story for another day. Since Valentine's Day is round the corner, I think I should save it for then...haha.

Anyway, I'm content knowing who and where I'm at this point of time in life. So much to work on and towards to get this amazing year to get started. Now that I'm warmed up, it's time to start writing in my secret diary about all the things I want for Christmas this year.

Learning to be still.

There are no coincidences with God. God never spoke to me in a big booming voice. Every time I saw a glimpse of the future (sometimes years ahead) and assured of a promise and imagined it come true, it was always validated by people that I run into. Some were strangers, some people that I talk to, some that I seek advice from. I don’t believe it’s déjà vu. I like to think and rationalize things, that’s how I was made. Two years ago, I knew that I would be in Louisiana. Based on what profession I was wanting and going to get into; I knew there was no way I was going to be here. So instead of getting the job I wanted, I got another that brought me here.

There are many instances I can think of that attest to the fact that my life is planned by the Creator and when I sway away from it, I experience a tremendous amount of pain. It’s not easy to process in that moment but when I step back and learn to be still, it all starts to make sense. I’ve cried only twice in my life for myself. One was three weeks ago and the one before was on a pretty Fall day back in 2008. Back then, I probably wasted my tears because I fully didn’t understand until a couple of years later as to what I was going through and it was helping me set myself on a path that lead me to where I am today. Don’t get me wrong, I might get teary eyed every now and then when I notice someone that I love is having a tough time, see someone’s kindness or genuine warmth. I’m talking about the time where there’s a good amount of sobbing. It’s not pretty and it’s not one of my favorite emotions. And when I cried 3 weeks ago, it was after I gave in after a good couple of days after trying to “tough it out”. A lot of you have always seen me with a smile and always cracking up being goofy. I do that because I’m genuinely content and filled with joy. Not momentary happiness, but joy that tells me that I’m doing well and that there’s nothing to worry about. So, when I cry it’s pretty serious, at least to me.

No matter how badly I’m hurting, I never “talk about feelings”. I grew up learning to be “a man that can handle anything”.  The first time I did it, it was because I was very worried about my salvation, I tried to seek Godly counsel from pastors and Godly men but the way their schedules worked or things came up last moment, I had to cancel my appointments. Finally, got a chance to talk to Chaplain Kiem (stay blessed wherever you are) and it was almost 5 months after being stationed in Afghanistan. I had made it a point to go to the Chapel every Sunday there and I felt I could seek his advice because I felt he could understand what I was going through. Not only did I feel comforted but much relieved after I took his advice.

When you’re like me who gets prayers answered by getting more than you ask for, hearing a “no” or not seeing it happen in my timeline or the way I want it done throws my joy off. (I know I’m spoiled.). I’ve prayed for people to come into my life and God sent them my way. When I didn’t want them anymore, He made that happen as well. Makes things less messy when I approach it that way. Like I said initially, I hear Him through people. They don’t realize what they’re saying but it makes so much sense to me when I hear it. I don’t care much for what people say because words are cheap, a few times of me saying “But you said”, “But you promised” have taught me that humans are just that – human. I judge people based on actions – not a one-time event but their attitude or intentions are always truly transparent when you see the actions repeated. Want to see someone’s heart? Just watch what they do. That’s a principle I try to live by as well. Though words aren’t important, they hold significance when they’re uttered by the right people at the right time.

The last three weeks have been very interesting. The night I was sobbing, I had to ask God what His plan was because I was so very confused. Why would things go awry so suddenly? Now you must understand that I’m not what I call “Super-Duper Christian”. I don’t give up my possessions and go to third-world countries on mission trips, don’t engage in prominent church roles that require you to be in the front, live a life that is faultless or shout “Praise the Lord” or “Hallelujah” on a random. If you’re one of those types, I’m happy for you but at this stage of my life, I’m not. I’m very quiet and every time I’ve felt God’s presence, I’ve been very quiet and at peace. Again, that’s how I was made. Most importantly, I know I’m not super-duper Christian because of all the times I chose poorly knowing darn well that I could choose to do better. So that night when I prayed, it was to first forgive me of my sins that I committed against God, to myself and others. I had to pray to forgive me for hurting Him and His children. I had to pray for forgiveness for not accepting His unending grace because of my struggle with having the knowledge to do right but still choosing to sin. I had to pray to give me heart that listens and not depend on my own “wisdom”. I had to end the prayer wanting God to talk to me and know His plan for me because that’s how I am – innately curious and wanting to know what was in store for me.

The next morning, I woke up, went to work and was in a situation where my grace and kindness was needed. In my line of work, you often don’t run into people that one normally wants to associate with. I knew I was being tested. It made sense to me then and came to that “aha moment” that all the things I’ve been saying and promising are being put to the test. I realized that my ministry is to serve the ones that nobody wants to get close to and all my experiences in life were getting me ready for this moment of life. I realized that I couldn’t hide behind my fancy job title because I realized that I was also starting to hide from people. I don’t have any friends outside of work that I spend time with but after that night, I’ve been making a conscious effort to make healthy relationships. Instead of just sneaking in and out of church, I’m starting to seek places that I could potentially serve and worship. I realized that I was messing with His plan for me by being impatient and not letting it happen on His timeline.

I knew this time I didn’t waste tears because after that night, I woke up being joyful. The grief was gone, the smile returned and though I tried picking at my wound (very human of me), I wasn’t sad anymore. I knew every time I wasn’t given something, God held back so that I learn patience, learn to be ready to cherish the gift when I did receive it. Like my earthly father used to do at times and openly told me that it was so that I could learn and appreciate self-control. I know it wasn’t wasted tears because there are a few areas in my life that need refining and the only way I pay attention and learn at times is when God takes all the distractions away. And every time I allowed myself to be humble, I was blessed to have my shame taken away. I knew that every time I was broken, it was right before He set me up for greatness.

My prayer since then has changed from “talk to me God and show me your plan for me” to “teach me to be still and listen so that Your plan is done.”. And that when I do hear it, I know it’s from Him and that don’t stray from it. Three nights ago, I prayed to God to talk to me. I prayed about a specific person – by name, because I wronged them about two years ago and haven’t spoken since and asked God to forgive me. Within 2 minutes of ending that prayer and laying down, that person sent me a message asking me how I have been doing.

See, there are no coincidences with God.

Falltastic

My favorite season of the year - Fall. Or Autumn to my British educated friends. The weather finally cooled off a bit, no pretty colors of the changing leaves but I will settle for not sweating in unbearable humidity. Wish I were sitting in the warm sun in my backyard but I don't have any yard furniture. I'm only 8 hours behind me planned schedule but the hectic schedule of the last few weeks drained whatsoever energy I had left in me. I think Christopher Columbus would have made a fine young Lieutenant in the Army as he got last navigating and found himself in a new place. Silly jokes aside that upset a whole new bunch of people who cry and do nothing about life, I'm going to ATTEMPT to focus for the next couple of hours before I go to work on my day off. Yay !!!

The last month has been pretty good, finally got my motorcycle with some other stuff from Savannah. Have been out riding and I realize that I will have to crossover into Texas for me to see or do anything fun around here. I'm just on the border so once I figure out some spare time, I will just do that. Work has been extremely busy, emotionally draining yet satisfying. Learnt one of the important lessons - take care of yourself if you want to take care of others' business. I've never been in a Principal's Office before but one of my bosses just made me feel like I was just nobody. But last week he was one of the leaders that said I was doing a dang good job picking up the slack in absence of some senior guys and also showing initiative. So it evened out. This weekend has been quiet but before I go back to craziness tomorrow, I just want to go and catch up with a bunch of stuff.

So much to talk about yet I can't. Let me pick at the "emotionally draining" part. I think it's because I can be perceptive. Just watching people, reading into their thoughts which affect choices affecting them and others is an interesting subject. How one small decision affects themselves and others makes me question everything. Makes me want to question my beliefs, choices, actions and identity. It tremendously makes me want to reconsider who I want to open up to, welcome into my life and let it affect me. So far I've been taking mental notes, regret my past choices and hopefully never ever repeat them.

So far work has been an black hole. Once I'm off duty, I try to get away from it as humanly as possible. Being single definitely has it's perks when you're in this field. And I can only hope I will find someone who's understanding of it for the few years that I'm obligated to fulfill my duties. Now that we're entering a touchy topic, I should probably apologize for my tone in my previous post about my "problems with church women". Not that I've said anything wrong, just that I could have used a milder tone. Anyway, to save time, I kinda like what I read almost 6 years ago. I don't know who the author is but they absolutely make so much sense if one's desiring a Christian dating leading to an everlasting marriage perspective. It deserves it's own blog space but here's how it goes. 

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone.

To have a deep soul relationship with another,

To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But God says to a Christian,

No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone,

Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found-will you be capable of

The perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.

You will never be perfectly united with another until you are united with Me-

Exclusive of anyone else,

Exclusive of any other desires or longings.

I want you to stop planning.

Stop wishing.

And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing,

One that you cannot even imagine.

I want you to have the best.

Please allow me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things.

Keep listening and hearing the things I tell you.

You just wait

That's all.

Don't be anxious,

Don't worry.

Don't look around at the things you think you want.

Just keep looking off and away up at me,

Or you will miss what I have to show you.

And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than

any you would have ever dreamed of.

You just wait, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready.

I'm working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time.

Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me, and the life I prepared for you,

You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with

me.......The Perfect Love.

That makes so much sense because my vertical relation with God was never right when my horizontal relationships with people weren't right. And the inverse of that is even more true. But aspiring and hoping for something like that is definitely a team effort involving both parties. I was talking to someone yesterday and mentioning how "Understanding" is one of my love languages. Every time I've been hurt, it was because I felt I wasn't being understood or was unable to connect due lack of understanding. Perhaps that explains why I was ranting last time about finding relationships in church. And also why I don't respond to women who just like attention because some don't care who's giving it. I get my share of attention but I don't let it go to my head as half the time from women who are either in relationships, married or just plain crazy. (Plain crazy is another topic for discussion.).

Any way, I have to wrap this up as I have places to go and things to do to get ready for the upcoming work week. Apart from cooking and cleaning a big house that's been completely neglected, I hope I find some quiet time again towards the end of the week. My thoughts are with all my friends spread in the South East region of the States that are affected by the hurricane. The pictures and the stories they tell is pretty sad. I'm sorry I can't be there to help all the great people that I've come to love and call them my friends. And to the ones that are actively giving their time and energy, stay strong.

A Fresh Start

Tried everything in my power not to write today. Slept in, talked to family overseas, spent quality time at the gun range, tried napping, foam rolled before and after an itsy-bitsy run-walk, push up and sit-up session, did dishes and now waiting on laundry to be done. I don't think I want to catch up with 6 months of updates but will go till it's time for me to fold laundry and call it a night.

The last one week has been a hassle trying to readjust my body clock to waking up at 4.00 a.m. It's dang too early but gives me decent quiet time to savor atleast 3 cups of coffee. Have to be at the gym by 5.30 in order for me to get back into shape. Have been eating a bit better thanks to moving into my own home and cooking again. Nothing fancy, just good ol' spaghetti and thanks to finding Indian spices in a Korean store, have tried to remember to make some ghetto chicken curry. 2-plus years is long enough for a man to lose what he got not far before that. Was eating pretty crappy while I was in Missouri but the three months I spent there was just enough to readjust moving back to the States.

Currently in Louisiana and I think I am a bit happy not having to be a vagabond for a while. Coming here has been a trip. I think I did mention calling it a day fixing helicopters and switching into a new career field. The high life of Aviation wasn't making life any exciting and most important, wasn't giving me any cool stories to tell to my grand kids. So thanks to the blessings, prayers of family and friends and awesome support from my leadership in Korea, I bid adieu to the Armament Way of Life. I probably must have whined about treated like a child, PT, long hours (and time away) during field exercises, at times horrible leadership (or lack of it), gave me just enough motivation to switch. So now I can do what I want, when I want. Not really, but being the typical proud immigrant that doesn't want to be like everyone else, I decided to continue to serve the beautiful Land of the Free in another role.

I remember being in Louisiana three years ago around the same time. I was here twice for month long training rotations during the peak of summer. Remember it being hot and muggy like it has been since the last few weeks. It's been raining quite often and hard but not as bad as the storm that ravaged some places a few hours away. It's partially the reason why I haven't seen much of this State yet. I think the weather will get better soon and my motorcycle should be coming here soon for me to explore this place on the cheap. Currently live in the middle of nowhere and have to drive at least an hour to see anything interesting. Heard the food is great around here and I hope at least that will make it worth the move...hehe.

In all seriousness, I believe there's a reason God chose this place for me. Professionally, I've heard it's a good place to start because the organization that I work for is pretty small. On a good day, there are probably 1200 people in the whole world that do what I will doing starting next week. Your reputation or infamy will precede far before you even meet them in this career. I was thinking I was going to do a bit of crawling before I started walking but I think I'm jumping in with both feet. Some of my friends say I speak in cryptic tones about my new job. I partially agree but the way I look at it, I will tell you when you're ready when I choose it's the time. There's no mystique I'm trying to create here, I just believe in not drawing attention to what I do because that's who I am. I will share that it's what I think I'm decent at - talking to and helping people without making it seem like it. It has me stressing a bit lately as I'm so new to it and every action and decision has lots of consequences for my intended clients. But so far, I've managed to have made a decent professional image to my new bosses and the guys that I work with have been quite helpful showing me the ropes.

On the personal front, I'm pretty content. Haven't been so at peace in while. New job, new car, a place of my own, no PT (I'm out of shape but am slowly changing it), starting to work on a new degree. Hopefully will be getting into new hobbies like hunting and meet new people. For some strange reason, a private flying license has been going through my head and I'm the kind of person to obsess over something and make it happen and this will be one of those. Being content reminded me that my heart is content as well. I could definitely work on being a better person and it will be a struggle till the day I die. But now having a few things lined up like the ones listed above has been wanting to be open up my heart as well. Not saying I'm not picky like I used to be, just that I'm open. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, God has someone lined up for me and I just have to work on being a better person and be presentable when I do run into her. I'm a hopeless romantic...

The whole "heart thing" is heavy stuff and right now my state of mind isn't ready to talk about it. I think I had a whole bunch of stuff worked out in my head (partial reason for "writing") and have to be objective. A lot of friends ask me as to why I don't keep my eyes open for a wife at church. Well, my reasons for going to church are selfish. I go there for me, it's a sanctuary that I need to retreat into at times. I did consider a couple of chicks but the timing wasn't right. I think it was around same time in Korea last year that a girl that sang like an angel sent word through one of the church elder's (that's how things are done in some cultures) that she wanted to talk to me. Apparently, my "church manners" were on point for me to be noticed...thanks to my parents' upbringing. As a gentleman should, I did talk to her a few times but I was worrying about my move back to the States and finding a job, so I didn't reciprocate her interest. The one other time was when I was starting to go to a new church in Savannah. Finally notice a beautiful girl (she was always in my face) getting my attention but I just started talking (didn't meet yet but that's how crazy I am) to another girl that I ended up dating for a few months. It wasn't that the Savannah Church Girl was pretty but it was something about the way she treated people and how she served without making a big deal out of it. If I hadn't got back to the girl that I was talking to right before I went to Afghanistan, I probably would have tried to see how things would have gone with her. But long story short, I went to Afghanistan, broke up with the girl for the same reasons that I had before and come back to find the Church Girl in a relationship. That was my sign and I called it day.

I'm oblivious but when I'm not, I make pretty good at reading people and my volunteer roles at church gave me enough opportunities to do just that. People have their reasons to go to church and when a guy like me is working on himself, the last thing he needs is unnecessary drama. Now as I go ahead and distance women that might have been tagging along, I want you to hear my perspective before you drown me out. My biggest "problem" with women at church is how they want to be treated different and special but they act like everyone else. Instead of a natural progression that comes from friendship, some women act like I'm supposed to show up with a ring just because the bat their eyelashes. I think the kind that aggravate me the most are the ones that flirt and just play hard to get the moment they realize that I'm genuinely interested in knowing them. I'm not saying all single women at church behave that way but a few that do (along with their friends) just makes me want to shut everyone else down. Now women have their own gripes about guys at church but it's their own ax to grind. I want to find common ground in my spouse, faith and beliefs among many of things that I want to learn and build on, but I'm not going to throw away finding a place that I go to worship and serve because someone has a different dating philosophy. Heck, the word "dating" itself has to be defined individually for all intents and purposes nowadays.

I think I'm off track, but, more about things of the heart later. For now, I'm worried about starting all over again. I know I'm good in God's hands and just have to be more faithful. I started this blog five years ago and it has served me well. I just have to do sit down and work on my next five year plan like I did back then and start chipping away at it. Have to find some local places to volunteer so that I don't make my time here in Louisiana all about me !

Time to lay down and start all over again at 5 a.m tomorrow and hopefully make it to church on time.

Amma's boy.

I'm usually good at planning things out and be pretty sneaky at pulling off surprises. The reason for me to be a little upset the last time was justified because I failed to achieve the stated objective. I should have been posting this from The Motherland, sharing with you as to how I went home to surprise my mom for her 61st birthday. She won't be upset with y'all knowing her age as things like these are considered a blessing in the (Asian) culture. I couldn't make it to her retirement ceremony to celebrate her more than three decades of service as a nurse. It would have been so awesome to be able to hear everyone talk about her accomplishments, kindness, love and the amount of respect she commanded from her friends, peers and family. Interestingly, the hospital she ran at the end of her service was the same one I was born in ! So much for perspectives about Indian women, right? I should have gone home somehow but I couldn't as I was in Afghanistan on a "short" tour with no mid-tour leave. Unlike then, I could have gone home but I didn't. I'm a horrible son.

All of my siblings call her Amma -"Mother" in Telugu, my native tongue. But since I'm special and lazy, I call her "Ma" or by her name when I call her on the phone. Did y'all know that I'm my mom's favorite son? In spite of all the heartache I keep put her through, I'm still her favorite. Nobody in my family admits to it but we all know. Apparently, after having two daughters, I was literally "asked for", hence named "Samuel", when I did make my entrance into this world. Along with joy, I brought heartache because I was born with "Transient Tachypnea", a fancy word for having water in lungs when I was born. So I was under observation for a few days in the hospital instead of being bundled up in her arms. I know it looks like I'm talking about myself but I will have to give you my perspective of her for you to understand why my mom is awesome !

It's funny that the only spanking that I got from my mom was the one I never remember getting. Also perhaps because I was only 2. I only know of it because my mom told me that I got one for being extremely quiet. I was such a quiet kid that I wouldn't even cry in the night as a baby. Essentially, I was "drama-free" as an infant even during the times mom had to work the night shifts at the hospital, I would sleep through the night. Unlike my siblings who would bring the house down and my dad would take them to the hospital to be comforted by mom. I was such an angel...I know. She said I needed a whooping because I would go downstairs, sit by the door and people-watch and she was afraid that if someone would try to snatch me up, I wouldn't make a peep. So to teach me about "stranger-danger" and not wander off by myself, I got a whooping ! Says so much about the heart of a mother ! Growing up, I think the harshest thing my mom did to me was try to wake me up early in the morning so that I would do school-work. She'd say, I have the capacity to be smart in school and life but I don't apply myself enough. She's right you know.

I left home 10 years ago thinking I was ready to do grown-up stuff. I thought I was going to be able to take care of myself. Little did I know that I will never grow up for my parents. In spite of all the times I've hurt them, I'm always loved. The love that I get from my mom is so much different that I get from my dad, one is not greater than the other, just different. I will have to write another day as to what the difference is. My mom was pretty sad to see me move to another country because she understood my desires and dreams. When I went broke and didn't have enough money to pay for school, she gave me all her savings and I've never paid her back and doesn't expect me to either. When she told me that the woman I was talking to (a long time ago) wasn't meant for me, I disagreed with what she had to say and instead was rude to her. But mom's wisdom came through and I later saw how foolish I was to not listen to her and that she was trying to protect my heart. The adage "Mom knows best" was definitely true in that case.

****The above four paragraphs were written same time last year. I just stopped in the middle of it as I was getting frustrated for not even doing a simple thing as planning to see my mom on her birthday when she had done and still continues to do so.*****

So last Christmas (when I didn't give my heart to anyone), I made some last moment plans to surprise my family. My only accomplices were my brother and sister (someone has to pick me up and take me home, right?). Since I'm practically a Christmas baby, I went home, stayed the night at my brother's called home the next day and told my parents that I was going to get some Indian food in Korea only to show an hour later at our house. The shock on my mom's face (and later dad's) made me realize that it's not a nice thing to do especially at their age. That said, the surprise was a success and for someone that doesn't celebrating birthdays anymore, I was thankful that I did.

As I get older, I realize how important family is and work towards keeping it that way. At times, I seem to be working and putting a lot into relationships other than what I was born into. I've learnt a lot from watching mom as I think as a kid it was easier for me to talk to her. Dad used to be the authoritarian type though he was always around and involved. And now that I'm all grown up, he and I "compete". (You'll have to wait for another for me to explain that.). I've learnt a lot about serving without complaining, sacrifice, kindness, gentleness and learning to love even when someone is not lovable by watching her. Even though at times she talks tough, I know she's has the kindest heart through her actions. For over 20 years of my life, I didn't know that our oldest sibling was adopted from my uncle when his wife died. My mom though single, believed that a girl should always have the love of her mother so she took raised her for a while by herself before getting married. They didn't any of us kids because they didn't want us to be mistreating the adopted one. Instead, the adopted one got the attention away from her by calling me the adopted ! I'm a guy so I'm supposed to be callous and not let it affect me. (I was the only one with the darkest complexion in our household so it was believable. Though anyone that looks at my mom and I tell me that I take after her.) So I was bumped from being a middle child to being the third but eldest son. Between my younger brother and I, my parents lost another brother who didn't live past a few weeks. She very rarely speaks about it but I'm sure she still hurts over him. And just  think I've had a rough childhood having two older sisters, my mom ended up raising two of my other female cousins as her own. I think I deserve sympathy because I had to put up with four older sisters and my baby brother pretty much was the spoiled brat.

I've watched mom serve the most needy and poor in the hospital as a nurse and she would do the same whenever anyone from the town she was from needed her. As a kid I didn't think much of it when people would mention her service but now that I've experienced life a little, I see how much we take it for granted to be kind. I've watched her work all day and ride the train 3 hours after work to come home and do the same the next morning just so that she could be with us when dad's work moved us for 2 years. I've seen her struggle to maintain a semblance of normal life for us kids again and turn down a promotion as it needed to move away for an year. I have seen her give all of her money and never spend any on herself. Even to this day, she doesn't do it.

I think it is easy to overlook someone when one has such gentle nature. As a teen, I remember siding with some idiots and not talking to her for over a month while living under her house and eating the food she made...I was such a knucklehead. As recently as a couple of years ago, I asked her to go shopping with me to buy some kids dresses as gifts and as an idiot, I yelled at her in public because she was taking too long. I saw the look on her face but late that night when she woke up and I was still awake, I said "I'm sorry" to which she simply said "It's okay.". I remember her feeding me the day I left home 10 years ago, the way she cried and told me to take care of myself as she sure knew I wasn't capable of it. I remember the way she was so happy to see me go home after many years. The next day at the breakfast table she was gazing at me so lovingly and I could sense that she was trying to make up for all the 7 years I was gone. I couldn't even look into her eyes as I knew I was wrong to have her miss me like that. Now every time I go back, I make sure I spend as much time with her as I can. Somehow life makes you understand what and who is more important.

I think I've gotten a little too emotional over the last paragraph above. Let me tell y'all some fun stuff. So every time I go home, my mom's friends still think I'm a baby. I say that because I get both my cheeks kissed and fed till I burst. They feel sad (not as much as mom) as I'm still single. My mom thinks I'm lonely (partially true) because I live so far away without anyone to call my own. Almost all her friends' babies are all married with babies and I understand that it kinda hurts her when they inquire about when I'm going to be "settled". You also have to understand that I get a lot of "matrimonial alliances" as Indian people like to refer to just based on whose son I am. Apparently, I'm still the quiet nice kid who is a responsible son. That being said, my older sister kept talking about this particular chick's family that was interested in me. I had sworn off talking to any Indian chicks because of where I live, who I work for and what I look for in a wife. But since I was home this time, my new career is about to take off, I'm in the mindset of getting hitched for life and creeping on the chicks' FB page showed a well educated attractive woman, I said I would give it a shot. So after New Years' church service (yep, that's India and my family for ya.), I meet the girl and her family, after our respective families introduced ourselves, I introduce myself to her father (proud of myself though I was dry-mouthed nervous wreck). I also learned that day that the only people talking about this alliance was my sister and her friend who was a relative of this girl's family. So after introducing myself to the girl who didn't even know my name and talking to her for about 10 minutes (her parents weren't okay for me to steal her on a coffee date), I told her that it was my first time that I agreed to do something like this and if she was okay to take this further she would have to trust but verify (I was proud of me for sharing such wisdom) as it would be long-distance to see if we were a good match. The mission was a "GO" but once I got back to Korea a day later, the chick said she had to back out. I guess 24 hours was all it took for her to make up her mind. No hard feelings as I respect people who don't waste my time especially when it comes to the things of the heart. So that was my first but only "Indian arranged marriage" experience that I will ever have.

So though I'm not getting married anytime soon, (I told my mom I still have few weeks left to find a Korean bride), I'm happy that my mom understands what I'm looking for. She also reminds me that all good things come from God and that I should always pray for everything. Unlike a lot of parents that pressure kids, I'm blessed to have a mother like her. So on this day of her birth, though I can't be with her and be goofy around the house, I pray that Ma lives a long blessed life and that I hope I'm going to be the awesome son that she thinks I am.

Happy Birthday, Ma ! You're the most beautiful woman with the kindest heart I know. I love you.

Leaping forward.

Why? I don’t know. I kinda do but don’t want to do it wholeheartedly which is unlike my “all or nothing”. But I have to. Just so that I can sort some things out and have something to as there’s so much clutter in my head right now. You bet that I won’t be proofreading, trying to see how much I can type in an hour. Going back to the question “Why?”, staying true to myself, I did what I normally do when things don’t work out or when I start to get angry/dejected/upset…go hide under the rock. That’s what exactly what was going exactly a year ago. I thought I was going to back in the States by late Spring and it didn’t seem like it was never going to happen. I was so tired of the “Regular Army BS” that I either I was going to go Special Operations or call it a day after six years of some good and bad times in Aviation. I love what the Killer Bird does in protecting the ones who are on our side but the same stuff month in and out started getting a bit too boring. So I wanted to go where all the weird people with crazy ideas go to play…Psychological Operations. I know you’re thinking about the movie about staring at my Sun Sign (I’m a Capricorn) but there’s so much more to it than what Hollywood wants you to believe. Why a “Brainy” field? Because I wanted to use that as a stepping stone to work for some of the Alphabet Agencies after getting some experience. Anyway, like always, I thought I knew what was better but The Man Above always comes teaching me oh so gently that He has something much better for me. So what I wanted do 5 years down the line, I get to do it in the next 5 months. By the way, today was the last day of my High Life of Aviation. Will I miss it? Probably never but I’m so glad for all the thing it has taught me - both good and bad.

Yeah, being a man who defines himself by what he does and an eldest son with responsibilities puts a good amount of pressure to make the right choices. I’ve failed at times but not so bad that I haven’t recovered. It’s only dumb if you repeat the same mistake twice. Or you could be smart and not walk into the fire knowing you’ll burn. As they say, different strokes for different folks. Though I’m starting to accept that a lot of things worthwhile in my life have come in after a good amount of pain and learning to be patient, I still struggle with being caught in the moment and mental tunnel vision. In some ways I have learned to relax and experience life and am truly glad that I’ve stayed in Korea a bit longer.

Writing about Korea will need a different post all by itself. But let me see if I skim the surface. I’ve learned that I’m a Korean at heart. The biggest compliment that I enjoy is when elder Korean people say that my mannerisms are that of one of their own. I’ve noticed that now I bow a lot and I’m sure it will be a while before I get rid of it. Took a couple of Hangul at college level and did pretty decent. I say decent because though I was the teacher’s pet, I just did the bare minimum to pass. In all seriousness, I was trying to learn just enough to please my Korean in-laws. I think they’ll be pleased when hopefully I will find a Korean bride. Anyway, I made some really great friends who opened their hearts and homes to me and showed me how to be a local. I find it easy to be one with them as I’m very formal and polite but know how to have a good time as well. I’ve become quite adventurous when it comes to trying new cuisine. I don’t mind eating seafood anymore (I never thought I would ever say that) and I attribute that to the yumminess of the food here. My chopstick game is still questionable some days but I think I will survive now. I absolutely love the hiking trails and went so far as to hike the Hallasan in Jeju Island. Since I didn’t know how to swim for more than a few feet (lack of body fat but having excess dozes of laziness), I got into SCUBA diving and had the time of my life diving in the Philippines. The biggest regret is not having finished the Seoul to Busan bicycle trip late last year. Two days of freezing rain and the lack of body fat makes one question one life choices when you don’t have feeling in your palms and feet anymore. Someday, I will check riding Korea cross country off of my bucket list. But, as a consolation, I did go to the DMZ a few days ago. So much fun and so worth it to learn the history as to why we’re stationed here.  

I had to catch myself there a minute before I got all sentimental. As usual, I compartmentalize everything in my head. All the fun things described above were enjoyed in the pleasurable company who were passionate about it. The sad thing now is that all of those friends are in different parts of the world. Like the song “All by myself”. Tsk…tsk. Though I’m good at entertaining myself, it’s a good thing to share your life. I miss goofing off with friends I made at work, especially when the op-tempo got crazy with our stupid neighbor up north. I miss my Korean friends that cooked me yummy Korean food and drive me around town. I will soon be missing one of my Korean friends who always tries to set me up with her girlfriends. I will miss my hot 80 plus year old girlfriend (Shut up, it’s not what you think.) Grandma is so adorable, always smiles and holds my hand whenever I see her and unless translated, doesn’t understand a single thing I say to her. I will miss holding babies in on-base chapel here. I will miss going to the Korean church off-base and not only sing off-key but read lyrics incorrectly in Hangul. I’m going to miss strangers’ generosity and going out of their way to help me.

Anyway, it’s time to change tracks. Been tired, a bit cranky and stressed now that my fun time is over and I have to come back to the States. To celebrate this joyous day and also to celebrate new beginnings, bought a crossover. My headache of a beater truck needs retiring and I can only do so much with Knucklehead (my death machine/HD Sportster/childhood dream). I hate making payments but the interest I owe is very less so I will compromise on that. Now that I have a career field that I want, the biggest challenge next is to find a Wife for Life. My friends sometimes say that I’m way too darn picky and that I don’t take advantage of my gift of “pulling chicks”. Well, my dear friends, let me quickly see if I am what you accuse me of.

I seem to get a lot of attention without even getting a word out. Guess some of it has to do with my demeanor, partly due to (almost) every woman in the world lusting after some natural curled long eye lashes, the way I dress at times (I’m very comfortable when I dress formal and for business), my ability to rock a crying babies and calm them down in not time, laugh at everything and everyone including myself and also not worrying about what people think. It’s true that I get my share of attention but I don’t let it go to my head as the kind of women that I crush on is a topic in itself. Remember the chick I was crying about a few years ago? Well, she had a Ph.D (while in mid 20s) in biology, came from a lot of money, wasn’t honest enough to tell me that I wasn’t good enough for her. I don’t mind that as everyone’s idea about what success is all about is completely different. So I made it a priority to talk to someone who was honest. So 3 or 4 years later of not talking to anyone, I was introduced to a chick who was apparently into Indian culture and was marriage material. Though I was going overseas soon after, started talking to her for almost a month on the phone while I was in an Army leadership school, learned that though we had very similar upbringing, she was very different from me. I assumed a lot of stuff by not asking the right question (I’m polite…duh!), thought someone with similar backgrounds (growing up overseas, traditional parents, multi-cultural and multilingual) will help deal with life and since I’m all about taking risks, I got in an on/off long distance thing for perhaps 6-8 months. Since how both of us perceived and understood Forgiveness and Grace, I didn’t have a lot of peace as the things that we valued and hurt us were completely different. (Next time, I will not only value sharing joy and fun, I will see if the Woman will also hurt about the same things as I do). Anyways, I did my gentlemanly duty of showing interest and telling them that I loved them, I fulfilled my gift of having them get married to other dudes. So if any of you single ladies having issues getting hitched should holla. I won’t promise the quality of your married life but I for sure can get you to walk the aisle in no time. Just remember to break my heart as you do so ;) Anywho, I was crushing on this sweet, crazy artistic, wise, Jesus loving until same time last year. She said something in the first 20 minutes I met her and by the time I picked up my jaw from the floor and the gears in my head start spinning, I was telling myself, “Whoa, God! What are you trying to show me?”. So as any S.L.O.W man like I would, I told her I was interested in knowing more about her after 3-4 lunches. But, as any classy lady would, she said she wasn’t interested in me as I was in her. Now that’s the kind of chick that makes it worth pursuing for months and still be nice to even after being rejected. And trust me, you don’t get these kind a whole lot nowadays. But, a boy can dream right?

So yea, I give it to you my friends, I am picky. But it is a good thing. I don’t see myself marrying more than once, I don’t believe I have to “date” tons of women to know what I like or don’t, I don’t even see myself asking for numbers of anyone that I think looks interesting. All my life I have seen that I’ve always gotten the best that have far exceeded my expectations. And I apply the same philosophy when it comes to marriage. I know there’s one crazy woman out there for me. So till the God above decides to make our paths cross, I will work on being a better man.

P.S: I may or may not write about my Indian arranged marriage story next time.