A Fresh Start

Tried everything in my power not to write today. Slept in, talked to family overseas, spent quality time at the gun range, tried napping, foam rolled before and after an itsy-bitsy run-walk, push up and sit-up session, did dishes and now waiting on laundry to be done. I don't think I want to catch up with 6 months of updates but will go till it's time for me to fold laundry and call it a night.

The last one week has been a hassle trying to readjust my body clock to waking up at 4.00 a.m. It's dang too early but gives me decent quiet time to savor atleast 3 cups of coffee. Have to be at the gym by 5.30 in order for me to get back into shape. Have been eating a bit better thanks to moving into my own home and cooking again. Nothing fancy, just good ol' spaghetti and thanks to finding Indian spices in a Korean store, have tried to remember to make some ghetto chicken curry. 2-plus years is long enough for a man to lose what he got not far before that. Was eating pretty crappy while I was in Missouri but the three months I spent there was just enough to readjust moving back to the States.

Currently in Louisiana and I think I am a bit happy not having to be a vagabond for a while. Coming here has been a trip. I think I did mention calling it a day fixing helicopters and switching into a new career field. The high life of Aviation wasn't making life any exciting and most important, wasn't giving me any cool stories to tell to my grand kids. So thanks to the blessings, prayers of family and friends and awesome support from my leadership in Korea, I bid adieu to the Armament Way of Life. I probably must have whined about treated like a child, PT, long hours (and time away) during field exercises, at times horrible leadership (or lack of it), gave me just enough motivation to switch. So now I can do what I want, when I want. Not really, but being the typical proud immigrant that doesn't want to be like everyone else, I decided to continue to serve the beautiful Land of the Free in another role.

I remember being in Louisiana three years ago around the same time. I was here twice for month long training rotations during the peak of summer. Remember it being hot and muggy like it has been since the last few weeks. It's been raining quite often and hard but not as bad as the storm that ravaged some places a few hours away. It's partially the reason why I haven't seen much of this State yet. I think the weather will get better soon and my motorcycle should be coming here soon for me to explore this place on the cheap. Currently live in the middle of nowhere and have to drive at least an hour to see anything interesting. Heard the food is great around here and I hope at least that will make it worth the move...hehe.

In all seriousness, I believe there's a reason God chose this place for me. Professionally, I've heard it's a good place to start because the organization that I work for is pretty small. On a good day, there are probably 1200 people in the whole world that do what I will doing starting next week. Your reputation or infamy will precede far before you even meet them in this career. I was thinking I was going to do a bit of crawling before I started walking but I think I'm jumping in with both feet. Some of my friends say I speak in cryptic tones about my new job. I partially agree but the way I look at it, I will tell you when you're ready when I choose it's the time. There's no mystique I'm trying to create here, I just believe in not drawing attention to what I do because that's who I am. I will share that it's what I think I'm decent at - talking to and helping people without making it seem like it. It has me stressing a bit lately as I'm so new to it and every action and decision has lots of consequences for my intended clients. But so far, I've managed to have made a decent professional image to my new bosses and the guys that I work with have been quite helpful showing me the ropes.

On the personal front, I'm pretty content. Haven't been so at peace in while. New job, new car, a place of my own, no PT (I'm out of shape but am slowly changing it), starting to work on a new degree. Hopefully will be getting into new hobbies like hunting and meet new people. For some strange reason, a private flying license has been going through my head and I'm the kind of person to obsess over something and make it happen and this will be one of those. Being content reminded me that my heart is content as well. I could definitely work on being a better person and it will be a struggle till the day I die. But now having a few things lined up like the ones listed above has been wanting to be open up my heart as well. Not saying I'm not picky like I used to be, just that I'm open. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, God has someone lined up for me and I just have to work on being a better person and be presentable when I do run into her. I'm a hopeless romantic...

The whole "heart thing" is heavy stuff and right now my state of mind isn't ready to talk about it. I think I had a whole bunch of stuff worked out in my head (partial reason for "writing") and have to be objective. A lot of friends ask me as to why I don't keep my eyes open for a wife at church. Well, my reasons for going to church are selfish. I go there for me, it's a sanctuary that I need to retreat into at times. I did consider a couple of chicks but the timing wasn't right. I think it was around same time in Korea last year that a girl that sang like an angel sent word through one of the church elder's (that's how things are done in some cultures) that she wanted to talk to me. Apparently, my "church manners" were on point for me to be noticed...thanks to my parents' upbringing. As a gentleman should, I did talk to her a few times but I was worrying about my move back to the States and finding a job, so I didn't reciprocate her interest. The one other time was when I was starting to go to a new church in Savannah. Finally notice a beautiful girl (she was always in my face) getting my attention but I just started talking (didn't meet yet but that's how crazy I am) to another girl that I ended up dating for a few months. It wasn't that the Savannah Church Girl was pretty but it was something about the way she treated people and how she served without making a big deal out of it. If I hadn't got back to the girl that I was talking to right before I went to Afghanistan, I probably would have tried to see how things would have gone with her. But long story short, I went to Afghanistan, broke up with the girl for the same reasons that I had before and come back to find the Church Girl in a relationship. That was my sign and I called it day.

I'm oblivious but when I'm not, I make pretty good at reading people and my volunteer roles at church gave me enough opportunities to do just that. People have their reasons to go to church and when a guy like me is working on himself, the last thing he needs is unnecessary drama. Now as I go ahead and distance women that might have been tagging along, I want you to hear my perspective before you drown me out. My biggest "problem" with women at church is how they want to be treated different and special but they act like everyone else. Instead of a natural progression that comes from friendship, some women act like I'm supposed to show up with a ring just because the bat their eyelashes. I think the kind that aggravate me the most are the ones that flirt and just play hard to get the moment they realize that I'm genuinely interested in knowing them. I'm not saying all single women at church behave that way but a few that do (along with their friends) just makes me want to shut everyone else down. Now women have their own gripes about guys at church but it's their own ax to grind. I want to find common ground in my spouse, faith and beliefs among many of things that I want to learn and build on, but I'm not going to throw away finding a place that I go to worship and serve because someone has a different dating philosophy. Heck, the word "dating" itself has to be defined individually for all intents and purposes nowadays.

I think I'm off track, but, more about things of the heart later. For now, I'm worried about starting all over again. I know I'm good in God's hands and just have to be more faithful. I started this blog five years ago and it has served me well. I just have to do sit down and work on my next five year plan like I did back then and start chipping away at it. Have to find some local places to volunteer so that I don't make my time here in Louisiana all about me !

Time to lay down and start all over again at 5 a.m tomorrow and hopefully make it to church on time.

Amma's boy.

I'm usually good at planning things out and be pretty sneaky at pulling off surprises. The reason for me to be a little upset the last time was justified because I failed to achieve the stated objective. I should have been posting this from The Motherland, sharing with you as to how I went home to surprise my mom for her 61st birthday. She won't be upset with y'all knowing her age as things like these are considered a blessing in the (Asian) culture. I couldn't make it to her retirement ceremony to celebrate her more than three decades of service as a nurse. It would have been so awesome to be able to hear everyone talk about her accomplishments, kindness, love and the amount of respect she commanded from her friends, peers and family. Interestingly, the hospital she ran at the end of her service was the same one I was born in ! So much for perspectives about Indian women, right? I should have gone home somehow but I couldn't as I was in Afghanistan on a "short" tour with no mid-tour leave. Unlike then, I could have gone home but I didn't. I'm a horrible son.

All of my siblings call her Amma -"Mother" in Telugu, my native tongue. But since I'm special and lazy, I call her "Ma" or by her name when I call her on the phone. Did y'all know that I'm my mom's favorite son? In spite of all the heartache I keep put her through, I'm still her favorite. Nobody in my family admits to it but we all know. Apparently, after having two daughters, I was literally "asked for", hence named "Samuel", when I did make my entrance into this world. Along with joy, I brought heartache because I was born with "Transient Tachypnea", a fancy word for having water in lungs when I was born. So I was under observation for a few days in the hospital instead of being bundled up in her arms. I know it looks like I'm talking about myself but I will have to give you my perspective of her for you to understand why my mom is awesome !

It's funny that the only spanking that I got from my mom was the one I never remember getting. Also perhaps because I was only 2. I only know of it because my mom told me that I got one for being extremely quiet. I was such a quiet kid that I wouldn't even cry in the night as a baby. Essentially, I was "drama-free" as an infant even during the times mom had to work the night shifts at the hospital, I would sleep through the night. Unlike my siblings who would bring the house down and my dad would take them to the hospital to be comforted by mom. I was such an angel...I know. She said I needed a whooping because I would go downstairs, sit by the door and people-watch and she was afraid that if someone would try to snatch me up, I wouldn't make a peep. So to teach me about "stranger-danger" and not wander off by myself, I got a whooping ! Says so much about the heart of a mother ! Growing up, I think the harshest thing my mom did to me was try to wake me up early in the morning so that I would do school-work. She'd say, I have the capacity to be smart in school and life but I don't apply myself enough. She's right you know.

I left home 10 years ago thinking I was ready to do grown-up stuff. I thought I was going to be able to take care of myself. Little did I know that I will never grow up for my parents. In spite of all the times I've hurt them, I'm always loved. The love that I get from my mom is so much different that I get from my dad, one is not greater than the other, just different. I will have to write another day as to what the difference is. My mom was pretty sad to see me move to another country because she understood my desires and dreams. When I went broke and didn't have enough money to pay for school, she gave me all her savings and I've never paid her back and doesn't expect me to either. When she told me that the woman I was talking to (a long time ago) wasn't meant for me, I disagreed with what she had to say and instead was rude to her. But mom's wisdom came through and I later saw how foolish I was to not listen to her and that she was trying to protect my heart. The adage "Mom knows best" was definitely true in that case.

****The above four paragraphs were written same time last year. I just stopped in the middle of it as I was getting frustrated for not even doing a simple thing as planning to see my mom on her birthday when she had done and still continues to do so.*****

So last Christmas (when I didn't give my heart to anyone), I made some last moment plans to surprise my family. My only accomplices were my brother and sister (someone has to pick me up and take me home, right?). Since I'm practically a Christmas baby, I went home, stayed the night at my brother's called home the next day and told my parents that I was going to get some Indian food in Korea only to show an hour later at our house. The shock on my mom's face (and later dad's) made me realize that it's not a nice thing to do especially at their age. That said, the surprise was a success and for someone that doesn't celebrating birthdays anymore, I was thankful that I did.

As I get older, I realize how important family is and work towards keeping it that way. At times, I seem to be working and putting a lot into relationships other than what I was born into. I've learnt a lot from watching mom as I think as a kid it was easier for me to talk to her. Dad used to be the authoritarian type though he was always around and involved. And now that I'm all grown up, he and I "compete". (You'll have to wait for another for me to explain that.). I've learnt a lot about serving without complaining, sacrifice, kindness, gentleness and learning to love even when someone is not lovable by watching her. Even though at times she talks tough, I know she's has the kindest heart through her actions. For over 20 years of my life, I didn't know that our oldest sibling was adopted from my uncle when his wife died. My mom though single, believed that a girl should always have the love of her mother so she took raised her for a while by herself before getting married. They didn't any of us kids because they didn't want us to be mistreating the adopted one. Instead, the adopted one got the attention away from her by calling me the adopted ! I'm a guy so I'm supposed to be callous and not let it affect me. (I was the only one with the darkest complexion in our household so it was believable. Though anyone that looks at my mom and I tell me that I take after her.) So I was bumped from being a middle child to being the third but eldest son. Between my younger brother and I, my parents lost another brother who didn't live past a few weeks. She very rarely speaks about it but I'm sure she still hurts over him. And just  think I've had a rough childhood having two older sisters, my mom ended up raising two of my other female cousins as her own. I think I deserve sympathy because I had to put up with four older sisters and my baby brother pretty much was the spoiled brat.

I've watched mom serve the most needy and poor in the hospital as a nurse and she would do the same whenever anyone from the town she was from needed her. As a kid I didn't think much of it when people would mention her service but now that I've experienced life a little, I see how much we take it for granted to be kind. I've watched her work all day and ride the train 3 hours after work to come home and do the same the next morning just so that she could be with us when dad's work moved us for 2 years. I've seen her struggle to maintain a semblance of normal life for us kids again and turn down a promotion as it needed to move away for an year. I have seen her give all of her money and never spend any on herself. Even to this day, she doesn't do it.

I think it is easy to overlook someone when one has such gentle nature. As a teen, I remember siding with some idiots and not talking to her for over a month while living under her house and eating the food she made...I was such a knucklehead. As recently as a couple of years ago, I asked her to go shopping with me to buy some kids dresses as gifts and as an idiot, I yelled at her in public because she was taking too long. I saw the look on her face but late that night when she woke up and I was still awake, I said "I'm sorry" to which she simply said "It's okay.". I remember her feeding me the day I left home 10 years ago, the way she cried and told me to take care of myself as she sure knew I wasn't capable of it. I remember the way she was so happy to see me go home after many years. The next day at the breakfast table she was gazing at me so lovingly and I could sense that she was trying to make up for all the 7 years I was gone. I couldn't even look into her eyes as I knew I was wrong to have her miss me like that. Now every time I go back, I make sure I spend as much time with her as I can. Somehow life makes you understand what and who is more important.

I think I've gotten a little too emotional over the last paragraph above. Let me tell y'all some fun stuff. So every time I go home, my mom's friends still think I'm a baby. I say that because I get both my cheeks kissed and fed till I burst. They feel sad (not as much as mom) as I'm still single. My mom thinks I'm lonely (partially true) because I live so far away without anyone to call my own. Almost all her friends' babies are all married with babies and I understand that it kinda hurts her when they inquire about when I'm going to be "settled". You also have to understand that I get a lot of "matrimonial alliances" as Indian people like to refer to just based on whose son I am. Apparently, I'm still the quiet nice kid who is a responsible son. That being said, my older sister kept talking about this particular chick's family that was interested in me. I had sworn off talking to any Indian chicks because of where I live, who I work for and what I look for in a wife. But since I was home this time, my new career is about to take off, I'm in the mindset of getting hitched for life and creeping on the chicks' FB page showed a well educated attractive woman, I said I would give it a shot. So after New Years' church service (yep, that's India and my family for ya.), I meet the girl and her family, after our respective families introduced ourselves, I introduce myself to her father (proud of myself though I was dry-mouthed nervous wreck). I also learned that day that the only people talking about this alliance was my sister and her friend who was a relative of this girl's family. So after introducing myself to the girl who didn't even know my name and talking to her for about 10 minutes (her parents weren't okay for me to steal her on a coffee date), I told her that it was my first time that I agreed to do something like this and if she was okay to take this further she would have to trust but verify (I was proud of me for sharing such wisdom) as it would be long-distance to see if we were a good match. The mission was a "GO" but once I got back to Korea a day later, the chick said she had to back out. I guess 24 hours was all it took for her to make up her mind. No hard feelings as I respect people who don't waste my time especially when it comes to the things of the heart. So that was my first but only "Indian arranged marriage" experience that I will ever have.

So though I'm not getting married anytime soon, (I told my mom I still have few weeks left to find a Korean bride), I'm happy that my mom understands what I'm looking for. She also reminds me that all good things come from God and that I should always pray for everything. Unlike a lot of parents that pressure kids, I'm blessed to have a mother like her. So on this day of her birth, though I can't be with her and be goofy around the house, I pray that Ma lives a long blessed life and that I hope I'm going to be the awesome son that she thinks I am.

Happy Birthday, Ma ! You're the most beautiful woman with the kindest heart I know. I love you.

Leaping forward.

Why? I don’t know. I kinda do but don’t want to do it wholeheartedly which is unlike my “all or nothing”. But I have to. Just so that I can sort some things out and have something to as there’s so much clutter in my head right now. You bet that I won’t be proofreading, trying to see how much I can type in an hour. Going back to the question “Why?”, staying true to myself, I did what I normally do when things don’t work out or when I start to get angry/dejected/upset…go hide under the rock. That’s what exactly what was going exactly a year ago. I thought I was going to back in the States by late Spring and it didn’t seem like it was never going to happen. I was so tired of the “Regular Army BS” that I either I was going to go Special Operations or call it a day after six years of some good and bad times in Aviation. I love what the Killer Bird does in protecting the ones who are on our side but the same stuff month in and out started getting a bit too boring. So I wanted to go where all the weird people with crazy ideas go to play…Psychological Operations. I know you’re thinking about the movie about staring at my Sun Sign (I’m a Capricorn) but there’s so much more to it than what Hollywood wants you to believe. Why a “Brainy” field? Because I wanted to use that as a stepping stone to work for some of the Alphabet Agencies after getting some experience. Anyway, like always, I thought I knew what was better but The Man Above always comes teaching me oh so gently that He has something much better for me. So what I wanted do 5 years down the line, I get to do it in the next 5 months. By the way, today was the last day of my High Life of Aviation. Will I miss it? Probably never but I’m so glad for all the thing it has taught me - both good and bad.

Yeah, being a man who defines himself by what he does and an eldest son with responsibilities puts a good amount of pressure to make the right choices. I’ve failed at times but not so bad that I haven’t recovered. It’s only dumb if you repeat the same mistake twice. Or you could be smart and not walk into the fire knowing you’ll burn. As they say, different strokes for different folks. Though I’m starting to accept that a lot of things worthwhile in my life have come in after a good amount of pain and learning to be patient, I still struggle with being caught in the moment and mental tunnel vision. In some ways I have learned to relax and experience life and am truly glad that I’ve stayed in Korea a bit longer.

Writing about Korea will need a different post all by itself. But let me see if I skim the surface. I’ve learned that I’m a Korean at heart. The biggest compliment that I enjoy is when elder Korean people say that my mannerisms are that of one of their own. I’ve noticed that now I bow a lot and I’m sure it will be a while before I get rid of it. Took a couple of Hangul at college level and did pretty decent. I say decent because though I was the teacher’s pet, I just did the bare minimum to pass. In all seriousness, I was trying to learn just enough to please my Korean in-laws. I think they’ll be pleased when hopefully I will find a Korean bride. Anyway, I made some really great friends who opened their hearts and homes to me and showed me how to be a local. I find it easy to be one with them as I’m very formal and polite but know how to have a good time as well. I’ve become quite adventurous when it comes to trying new cuisine. I don’t mind eating seafood anymore (I never thought I would ever say that) and I attribute that to the yumminess of the food here. My chopstick game is still questionable some days but I think I will survive now. I absolutely love the hiking trails and went so far as to hike the Hallasan in Jeju Island. Since I didn’t know how to swim for more than a few feet (lack of body fat but having excess dozes of laziness), I got into SCUBA diving and had the time of my life diving in the Philippines. The biggest regret is not having finished the Seoul to Busan bicycle trip late last year. Two days of freezing rain and the lack of body fat makes one question one life choices when you don’t have feeling in your palms and feet anymore. Someday, I will check riding Korea cross country off of my bucket list. But, as a consolation, I did go to the DMZ a few days ago. So much fun and so worth it to learn the history as to why we’re stationed here.  

I had to catch myself there a minute before I got all sentimental. As usual, I compartmentalize everything in my head. All the fun things described above were enjoyed in the pleasurable company who were passionate about it. The sad thing now is that all of those friends are in different parts of the world. Like the song “All by myself”. Tsk…tsk. Though I’m good at entertaining myself, it’s a good thing to share your life. I miss goofing off with friends I made at work, especially when the op-tempo got crazy with our stupid neighbor up north. I miss my Korean friends that cooked me yummy Korean food and drive me around town. I will soon be missing one of my Korean friends who always tries to set me up with her girlfriends. I will miss my hot 80 plus year old girlfriend (Shut up, it’s not what you think.) Grandma is so adorable, always smiles and holds my hand whenever I see her and unless translated, doesn’t understand a single thing I say to her. I will miss holding babies in on-base chapel here. I will miss going to the Korean church off-base and not only sing off-key but read lyrics incorrectly in Hangul. I’m going to miss strangers’ generosity and going out of their way to help me.

Anyway, it’s time to change tracks. Been tired, a bit cranky and stressed now that my fun time is over and I have to come back to the States. To celebrate this joyous day and also to celebrate new beginnings, bought a crossover. My headache of a beater truck needs retiring and I can only do so much with Knucklehead (my death machine/HD Sportster/childhood dream). I hate making payments but the interest I owe is very less so I will compromise on that. Now that I have a career field that I want, the biggest challenge next is to find a Wife for Life. My friends sometimes say that I’m way too darn picky and that I don’t take advantage of my gift of “pulling chicks”. Well, my dear friends, let me quickly see if I am what you accuse me of.

I seem to get a lot of attention without even getting a word out. Guess some of it has to do with my demeanor, partly due to (almost) every woman in the world lusting after some natural curled long eye lashes, the way I dress at times (I’m very comfortable when I dress formal and for business), my ability to rock a crying babies and calm them down in not time, laugh at everything and everyone including myself and also not worrying about what people think. It’s true that I get my share of attention but I don’t let it go to my head as the kind of women that I crush on is a topic in itself. Remember the chick I was crying about a few years ago? Well, she had a Ph.D (while in mid 20s) in biology, came from a lot of money, wasn’t honest enough to tell me that I wasn’t good enough for her. I don’t mind that as everyone’s idea about what success is all about is completely different. So I made it a priority to talk to someone who was honest. So 3 or 4 years later of not talking to anyone, I was introduced to a chick who was apparently into Indian culture and was marriage material. Though I was going overseas soon after, started talking to her for almost a month on the phone while I was in an Army leadership school, learned that though we had very similar upbringing, she was very different from me. I assumed a lot of stuff by not asking the right question (I’m polite…duh!), thought someone with similar backgrounds (growing up overseas, traditional parents, multi-cultural and multilingual) will help deal with life and since I’m all about taking risks, I got in an on/off long distance thing for perhaps 6-8 months. Since how both of us perceived and understood Forgiveness and Grace, I didn’t have a lot of peace as the things that we valued and hurt us were completely different. (Next time, I will not only value sharing joy and fun, I will see if the Woman will also hurt about the same things as I do). Anyways, I did my gentlemanly duty of showing interest and telling them that I loved them, I fulfilled my gift of having them get married to other dudes. So if any of you single ladies having issues getting hitched should holla. I won’t promise the quality of your married life but I for sure can get you to walk the aisle in no time. Just remember to break my heart as you do so ;) Anywho, I was crushing on this sweet, crazy artistic, wise, Jesus loving until same time last year. She said something in the first 20 minutes I met her and by the time I picked up my jaw from the floor and the gears in my head start spinning, I was telling myself, “Whoa, God! What are you trying to show me?”. So as any S.L.O.W man like I would, I told her I was interested in knowing more about her after 3-4 lunches. But, as any classy lady would, she said she wasn’t interested in me as I was in her. Now that’s the kind of chick that makes it worth pursuing for months and still be nice to even after being rejected. And trust me, you don’t get these kind a whole lot nowadays. But, a boy can dream right?

So yea, I give it to you my friends, I am picky. But it is a good thing. I don’t see myself marrying more than once, I don’t believe I have to “date” tons of women to know what I like or don’t, I don’t even see myself asking for numbers of anyone that I think looks interesting. All my life I have seen that I’ve always gotten the best that have far exceeded my expectations. And I apply the same philosophy when it comes to marriage. I know there’s one crazy woman out there for me. So till the God above decides to make our paths cross, I will work on being a better man.

P.S: I may or may not write about my Indian arranged marriage story next time. 

Time is wasted on the youth.

I’m a little mad today. At myself. Not because I got called out by our Command Sergeant Major of our Company in front of over 200 soldiers for not knowing the “Warrior March” song. Not because I had 3 hours to learn and sing it in front of all of them. Not because I had to do push-ups along with them because we all sang it off-key. It was my fault for not having learned about Second Infantry Division’s glorious past. Been here almost a quarter of my tour, I’m supposed to know it by now.  But it made my day and laugh at myself a bit.  In the Army, one (usually) sings first thing in the morning, while running “they” call it motivation, I call it making “life choices” – breathing is more important than making noise. I never imagined that I would be a choir boy until I joined the Army. I don’t usually sing, not that I don’t want to. My siblings are so good at it that they sing in front of large crowds. I don’t sing because I don’t like memorizing lines and I don't like being in front of the crowds. I’m mad at myself because I made some stupid decisions. Didn't manage my time and follow through with my plans. Most importantly, I failed to prioritize. That’s a big no-no in my book. And it seems like I’m not learning from my mistakes.

I've been reflecting a bit after my previous post. What am I trying to achieve by over-sharing. Shoot the breeze, no worries! Letting you all into my life and let you “figure me out”…now what was I thinking? And most of all, am I turning into one of those people who are so full of themselves that they have to show off their pseudo-intellect? If you ever for once think that I’m heading that way, I give you my permission to punch me in the throat. Twice. Perhaps that will circulate the blood back into my brain and I will start thinking clearly again.

I’m mad because I haven’t been taking care of myself lately. Remember my four goals over 5 years ago to grow in physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual departments? Yep, failing in all the subjects. After not having attended the chapel on-base for the last couple of weeks, I finally had to force myself to go yesterday. I hate doing things just to check off the boxes, especially when it comes to things concerning spirituality, but I had to do it anyway. Church attendance and why it’s important to (and for) me is a vast topic and will be sharing another day. It was good thing that I did go, I had signed up to help out in the nursery a few weeks ago but haven’t officially started. Checked-in on my “boss” there and held a baby for a couple of minutes and said something to the effect of “I’ll see you when I see you.”. Such a shame…I know. I’m mad because I didn't finish my planned reading materials. Bought 2 very interesting books - they’re gathering viruses (not cobwebs as they’re e-books silly) while there’s a thick coat of stupid forming in my brain. Didn't practice any Hangul on unsuspecting Koreans either. I’m mad because I didn't take care of my back ever since I got here. Sometimes it takes forever to be seen by an Army doc and since they don’t have a Chiropractor on-base, I've been paying quite a chunk to get help an hour away off-post. Acupuncture and dry-needling have helped a bit but not to my desired timelines or level of healing. Army-way of treatment is to pop some anti-inflammatory pills, stretching and drinking water. Can’t blame the system when too many idiots use excuses and the system to get out of PT (or the Army) and the genuine cases get painted by a broad brush. I’m not even going to talk about the emotional side. Am sticking to the true and tired method of ignoring it till it passes. I know I can work myself up in a frenzy but I've learned to recognize the symptoms and calm myself down. I’m calm. For now.

Well, I didn't do the DMZ tour as I intended to. Things happen and plans change at the last moment. It’s one of those things. I don’t think I can sight-see for the next couple of weeks. Perhaps the weekend of St. Patrick’s day. I should use the next 14 days to remedy all things that didn't go as planned. If I stop being dumb and see through my plans and goals, I can think of rewarding myself.

I rucked 45 pounds just 4 miles under an hour last week. I need to do at least 6 miles tomorrow and add a mile every other day. It’s still way too cold for me to ride my bicycle here. Running 6.30 mile pace gives me a brain-freeze, don’t think my body will appreciate averaging 18 miles on the bike under 32F weather. I miss running the Talmadge Bridge with friends in Savannah. I can’t believe I said that. I love my friends and I hate running. I have to go now and cook Spaghetti or eat junk food for the next 2 days. The Korean fruit and snack I bought yesterday are almost all gone. And I’m trying not to drink more than 3 cups of coffee a day…blasphemy, I know.

Will think of nicer thoughts to write and not be such a Sally (or a Bha-bo “stupid” in Korean) next time.

Katchi Kapshida (We go together)

Annyeong Hashimnikka? That's a very formal and polite greeting in Hangul asking you (literally) "are in peace/how are you?". Had to travel all the way to the Republic of South Korea to learn it. Thank you, Uncle Sam! Why come up for air now? Well, the writing "strategy" worked 4 years ago and now it's time to test if it's going to bear fruit again. So much has happened over these 4 years that I will have to take time to actually think and remember and one single update is not going to do it. Also, I'm in no mood to write, am forcing my own will to do this. I stopped writing the last time because it was emotionally draining. It's not what I don't share that makes me feel like I'm hiding something. Some of you introverts who happen to be private as well can relate.  I post tons of goofy and crappy stuff about myself on FB...just can't seem to do it in a sensible environment that actually makes me think when I start rationalizing everything.

I have a lot of things that I need to sieve through the vast empty space in between my ears. Instead of sifting it all at once, I will look back at the most part and reflect as to where I am and if I've come anywhere close to where I wanted to be. Like someone said, "Hindsight is 20/20, future - not so clear.". There's a reason I HAVE to write. No, it's not an option. For once, at least it's not the voices in my head making me do it. A friend who happens to be a very good blogger shared the secret rule for writing and writing well. Keep it clear, concise, write everyday if it's just a few lines and proofread. Since I (usually) don't follow the rules, I will be breaking all of them.

For starters, it's been a good couple of (cold) months here in Korea. I was supposed to be coming here after Advanced Individual Training (AIT), instead went back to good ol' Sweet Georgia. Army decided to teach me one of it's important lessons (on the day I graduated AIT) about not trusting what's predicted to happen until it actually happens. But life always comes around. After having enjoyed Afghanistan (all deployment experiences vary, it deserves a trip down the memory lane and a post of it's own), this has been one of the best "free" things the Army has bestowed on me to satisfy my wanderlust.

So in the last 5 “Army years”, I haven’t got any tattoos, don’t smoke, chew tobacco, teetotaler, single (never married - I know!), don’t have any kids running around. So either I’m doing something right or doing it completely wrong. I was supposed to not have been on this trip at all. It was my idea a few years ago, but I was planning on changing my career path in the military by switching from Aviation to something more challenging. So instead of going to North Carolina, I came to Korea in December. Haven't seen as much as I thought I would because it takes a good amount of time to get to your duty station once you get in the country. And once you get there, life happens. It's my first Permanent Change of Station (PCS) move and boy is it stressful! First, for a single dude (yep...we'll get to that in a little bit), I happen to have a lot of junk that I can't seem to get rid of. In spite of giving away quite a decent amount of clothes, shoes and junk, I think I'm still hanging on to more than I need. Second, I hate packing. Third, I hate unpacking. Fourth, material possessions like truck, motorcycle (deserves another post), are necessities that one must learn to live without. Fifth, sharing breathing space (literally) is a pain for an introvert especially if you have an idiot for a roommate. I'm being unusually cruel about him, had to teach him that common courtesy and respect goes both ways. He's better now...I'm just using him as my personal (mental) punching bag. Though I wished I could have smothered him for the last 3 hours he was yapping to some chick on the phone. Sixth,...I think you get the gist. Moving and starting all over are both fun and a pain.

It's been only just a little over two months and I'm starting to forget already. For starters, the trip starting from Savannah was stressful. I had taken a week off before moving to sort, pack and take care of storage. But I had committed to some other things that week (being impulsive hurts) so I was packing my bags until 4 a.m. and left a good amount of trash for my buddy to clean up. Had to thank him somehow for letting me stay with him for free, right? Another friend, who was supposed to take my truck, drop me off at the airport and sell my truck for me misunderstood what I was requesting him to do and didn't answer my phone at 5 a.m.  So I barely made it to the airport with enough time to park at the curb, check-in, go back and park the truck and hide the keys so that it could be picked up. Had to find more ways to thank The Friend by making him clean my trash AND pick up my truck. It’s another good story as to how I met this awesome dude in Savannah. Anyways, the said flight got delayed, so laid over in Texas, stayed with a friend, and didn’t see any of the wide-open spaces of Texas (one of the places I always so wanted to see in the States). There’s always a next time. I hadn't slept in over 24 hours thinking sleeping through the flight was a better option but hadn't thought about weather and delays. One of my pet-peeves is public transportation and you have no idea how stressful it is for me to rub shoulders with strangers. But, it ended well with a free upgrade to business class. 

Once you land in the country, all soldiers stay in a particular area (I'm being vague on purpose) "in-processing" for a brief amount of time before heading to their destinations. In the couple of weeks we "in-process" we're taught a little about our mission in Korea, local sensitivities and cultural awareness. It doesn't come as a surprise that American soldiers (and other military branches) are either loved or "not loved as much" being here. Why? The South Koreans are grateful and they show it explicitly with their gratitude for all the things that USA has done for them in dealing with their bratty neighbor. The times we're "not loved as much" are when soldiers do stupid things here instead of acting like adults in a host nation. I haven't felt as embarrassed listening to what some stupid soldiers did to some of the locals here. I'm not making it up. One of the things I remember from the said classes was "You'll find what you're looking for in Korea.". Unfortunately, a lot of people end up choosing "trouble". The last day of the classes ends with a tour of outside of the Camp. After the bus dropped us off outside of a mall, a few of us friends (one from Basic training - it's a small world and another from my previous duty station) decided to walk around. A lot of Koreans (esp. the young ones) can understand English but not speak it. So when we asked the locals for directions, some wanted to help but couldn't. It's all good though. It's more fun pointing at street food, eating it and finding it extremely yummy in the tummy. As of today, I still don't know what I ate. After snacking, we ended walking into a restaurant that lets you barbecue your own meat. A lot of those places are now my favorites to go to. Other than a common kitchen for our entire barracks floor which I just started using to cook some spaghetti (feeds me for 2 days), this gives me a chance to experience the "joys of cooking" and feel "normal". I don't eat in the military dining facility. Yes, they take my money and not feed me enough. Plus, walking the distance in the cold is not worth the effort. I'm still lazy. Army hasn't broken me down yet!  

I think I’m getting to settle down a little bit in the last two weeks. Went sight-seeing at a World Heritage last weekend and was completely in love with the architecture and scenic beauty of the Hwaseong Fortress and Palace. I can’t wait to go back check the trails once it warms up a little bit. Planning to go see the DMZ this weekend but like all “smart” things in the Army, have to get a pass approved to be able to go outside my authorized travel “zone”. I think it will be a great opportunity to learn the craziness of that region especially of our bratty neighbor who’s going to create so much drama next month during the annual war-games training exercises.

All of a sudden, I feel the urge to get to bed and it’s only 2230. Don’t have PT in the a.m. (score well on your PT and you can sleep in!). As much as I want to be lazy, I have to go workout in the a.m. Plus, I need to get into the habit of waking up by 0430 and reading (hopefully write as well). Let’s see if I can shift gears and change a few things in the next 21 days…there’s always a reason behind everything.

 

I'm glad it's over !

It’s been a crazy month and it would go against my goal for this year if I didn’t write down all the madness that February had in store for me. The month kicked off with me celebrating my first anniversary in the US Army. After a lot of “sitting around” after finishing Advanced Individual Training (AIT), I started working on the aircraft this month. For now, I’m just getting my hands dirty and shadowing the guys with experience. It kinda reminded of me when I was just 7 or 8 and I used to watch my dad working on the Willys jeeps that we had back then. There’s just so much you could learn by just passing the tools and holding the flash light! It was the same time I learned how to drive (a stick shift at that!) on a country road averaging 40 mph. It’s one of the best memories I cherish from my childhood !

February was stressful because of “V-day”, so dreaded that I dare not spell out the name in full ! Everywhere I looked, I was reminded of how “lonely” I was and that I wouldn’t be “normal” if I wasn’t going to have some sort of candy, stuffed animals, flowers or greeting cards in my shopping cart. Being single is hard as it is and I don’t need anything else to painfully remind me of it. But the day went by smoothly because I decided to throw myself into my work. Good solution, eh? I did however make a list of things that I do want when I get back into the dating “game”. So what do I want? Actually, not a whole lot. All I want is someone that I can have some “face time” with and someone who I can connect with on an intellectual, spiritual and maturity levels. I’ve been in a long-distance relationship before and know the challenges that come with it. And being in the profession that I’m in right now, I (and her) have to face the reality that I won’t be around physically even if I wanted to. Sometimes I wonder if I’m asking for too much. For someone who’s supposed to exemplify both selflessness and sacrifice, is it too much to ask for just a few moments of physical proximity to make up for the time that I’ll be away? It doesn’t get any easier knowing all too well that I just might not come back. It sucks, but that’s the reality of it.

I’ve been thinking about a few other things that some of my female friends have pointed out. Let’s see if I can list them all here. I’ve been told that I’m vague, always think things through, I can be a good catch but take too much time, stubborn, etc. I appreciate you ladies for being honest and am thankful for it. Yes, I'm guilty as charged and in my defense only have to say that, my vagueness is attributed to the walls that I've built around my heart and I'll bring them down once I'm sure of one's motives (the background story sucks, so I'll leave it at that). I think things through because I'm dumb and take hasty decisions when I act on impulse (happens all the time). I take too much time because I usually try to see a little ahead in the future and save YOU the pain if I see it coming. I'm stubborn because....well, I'm stubborn. There's more to say but I rather take it up with the person(s) concerned. It's ironic that I happen to give the impression that screams "I don't want a relationship" (as per another lovely lady) but the heart of the matter is, my heart was in tatters when you smart and beautiful ladies showed interest. If you only knew what I was going through. I don't blame you for not noticing because I'm not the kind of guy that shows "emotions" especially the ones that I don't like! Sometimes there are second chances but one has to be willing to take them.

In other news, this month had it's awesome moments. I got to see Gen. George W. Casey, Jr., Chief of Staff of the Army when he visited Ft. Stewart, GA to honor soldiers from 3rd Infantry Division for their courage and sacrifice in the battle. It was an honor to be part of the ceremony where I got to hear 13 soldiers' stories of valor thus earning some, the Distinguished Flying Cross and the others, a Purple Heart.

And oh, I have a few success stories of myself too ! I started cooking this month. Though I've been cooking the same thing over and over again (in hopes of perfecting the dish), I always end up with different results every time! Guess that leaves my taste buds no reason to complain about monotony. I know I'll get better... I think I'm being way too optimistic when I say that. Also, I got my road bike this week. I put it together and have been riding around base. Every time I ride, I feel like a kid and wish y'all could see the stupid grin that I just can't wipe off of my face. School-wise, I'm struggling but I know it'll get better once I settle down with work. I scored well on a language test that I took for the Army and am hoping to see the "rewards" in my paycheck soon. Trying to pick up another language but time is proving to be a constraint.

I think I'll end the stories here. Have to kick-start another week and am hoping things will get better in March. I'm going against my train of thought about being more "open" this year by contemplating shutting down of my Facebook page. I already deleted the FB icon on my phone and will decide the fate of the actual account in the next couple of weeks. Let's see what I end up doing. 

P.S: To all my African-American friends - Happy Black History Month !

Let's get it started.

It's been ages since I've written anything meaningful. The reason I'm starting now is to have some sort of accountability to myself and also keep track of my plans and goals. I'm usually reserved and it's not going to change anytime soon. I've accepted that fact and so should you. I'm going to talk a little about myself today and perhaps someday will have a decent bio penned down. So on this day, the second weekend of this year, I decided to kick-start my blog and the name might come across a little goofy. I just wanted it to reflect what my main goal for this year was. To get into good physical shape and also better myself in intellectual, emotional and spiritual departments. Sometime in December, 2010 I put a status on Facebook that I wanted to write but I didn't want my English teachers or any females that I've been romantically involved with to read this blog. To my teachers I want to say, "I'm sorry for disappointing you after all the time you invested in me" and ironically that's exactly what I have to say to the lovely woman I was involved with. I did my best but somehow it wasn't good enough. I can't change the past or undo any of the hurt I've caused. I learned a lot about myself and am happy that I am what I am now. I'm still the same I was before but at the same time I'm so much better in so many ways. Thank you for teaching me some very important lessons about life. I really mean it. It wasn't easy the last couple of years but now I know what God intended, so I'm going to enjoy this new found "freedom" and wait for Him to tell me what to look for. All I know is that He always gives us the best.

So, I'm a work in progress so don't think I got myself all figured out. So far I've realized that I'm diligent and patient with most things, but I do experience lapses of A.D.D. when things get boring or when things don't workout in my time-lines. I'm working on being selfless but it's been a challenge for the last couple of years. You'll see me throw fits of rage and go ballistic but it's pretty much a defense mechanism(plus frustration) more than anything else. So if I ever tick you off, instead of blaming me, just go and do soul-searching yourself....but don't worry, I'm usually the first to ask for forgiveness.

I grew up in India and I live in the United States now. I serve in the United States Army and it's a whole another story as to why I enlisted. One reason that I WILL tell you right away is that, I believe this a small world and we all need each other to make sure it's safe for all of us now and for the coming generations ahead. I'm proud to be doing what I'm doing now and I hope to live long enough to achieve the goals that I've set for myself. I hope to see more than half the world and add at least 4 other languages to my quad-lingual skill-set. I'm trained to work on an awesome Attack Helicopter and I can't wait to get my hands on the "real deal" soon.

I love my family and friends. Though I can be skimpy when it comes saying "I love you", I really do. It's a man thing I guess....atleast that's my excuse. I know that over-dozing on "I love you" is a great way to make a woman feel special, but I'm going to wait on her to do all the work this time. (I can see the cringing expressions on my female friends' faces....somehow I can't suppress this impish smile when I typed this.) Usually I give WHATEVER I have but sometimes it feels good to receive too. I'm single...atleast that's what I like to think that I am. I was waiting for a few things to workout in the Love Department and was about to go ahead with my plans but I think God has other plans for me. Remember what I said about "working on being selfless" part, I think God wants me to work on being more patient AND selfless. I've been looking and waiting for answers and He just gave me part of the answer in Nov/Dec, 2010. I'm not in a rush to meet women right now as I have my reasons. If you are The One, it'll happen. Trust me, it will.

I've made many mistakes in my life and am trying not to repeat most of them. God has been gracious to me, protected me from evil and has always been forgiving. I just desire not to hurt Him with my thoughts, desires and actions and have been battling on all those fronts. Just a small sacrifice on my part and it compares nothing when I think of His sacrifice on The Cross for me.

So, dear children, I will make a decent attempt to keep this thing going for as long as I can. I'm not great with aesthetic designs so please bear with me till I find a decent background that is easy on the eyes. Right now, I have some laundry that needs attending to and get ready for the service at the Chapel in the morning. I'm looking forward to an awesome week ahead !